Ye Indie Game Corner 2 - Spaceshippy, Cave and Heart Break Simulator

Written By: Tyler

It has been a long time since I did a Ye Indie Game Corner, but never fear people because I have done another one. I basically just went to Gamejolt, picked a bunch of the newly added games randomly and then played them. So now I will give you a quick rundown of what I think about each and every one.


Spaceshippy!
Get it here: http://gamejolt.com/games/arcade/spaceshippy/23985/

Spaceshippy! is a Flappy Bird clone, and I think Flappy Bird is crap. However, I did enjoy this more than Flappy Bird because a) it doesn't feel like I'm getting advertising shoved up my rectum, and b) it's just an improvement.

The basic premise is the same: tap the screen (or press the mouse in this case) to move up. You have to use your thruster engines to kill Flappy and Floppy birds. You don't just hit the birds, you have to position yourself correctly or you'll take damage. There aren't any pipes, but there are wrecking balls and laundry. You take more than one hit to kill, and your spaceship does show damage, so it's more in depth than the game that influenced it.

It's better than Flappy Bird, but Flappy Bird itself was only tolerable on mobile when you're out somewhere you're just waiting to do something better or more important. Maybe it's unfair to Spaceshippy! to review this on PC because of this, but actually sitting down at my PC to play this was not ideal. As it stands, is it okay? Yeah, but will I play it again? Nope.

Rating: 5/10


Cave
Get it here: http://gamejolt.com/games/other/cave/23987/

In cave you walk. To the right. That's about it as far as I can tell. There's no challenge and no enemies as you progress in the same direction. I was critical of Sluggish Morss 3 when I reviewed it and the Sluggish Morss trilogy influenced Cave, which is the first game by the developer. While I gave Sluggish Morss 3 a 9.5, I commented on how I believe games should have engaging gameplay first and foremost (an opinion that some people disagree with, I know). I refused to give it a 10 for that reason, even though everything else was spot-on and really appealed to me.

I know I'm talking about the Jack King-Spooner game, but there's a reason for that. This game lacks on gameplay but is high on atmosphere and creativity. From the opening screen you can see the Sluggish Morss influence, but maybe it's a little too similar... though I'm sure the developer will create their own identity more fully as more games are created. However, I can't hate on this stuff. I'm a sucker for surreal, weird, thought-provoking games, and that's the reason I gravitate towards games like this, games from cactus, Jake Clover and Jack King-Spooner. It's a thrill to see what each new screen is going to present to me, as the different mixture of art-styles is visually appealing, and by the time the fantastic ending hits, you're left going, "huh?" But in a good way.

The developer has a bright future because this is a great first game... but only if you can give yourself to something like this.

Rating: 8/10



Heart Break Simulator
Get it here: http://gamejolt.com/games/strategy-sim/heart-breaker-simulator/23971/

No... just... no.

Heart Break Simulator allows you to play as one of the most popular and beautiful girls in school, who also happens to be Tifa from Final Fantasy 7. I'm not really sure what I expected from this, but I certainly didn't get it. Simply put, this game is awful.

All you do is click "Start Level" and a bunch of nerdy looking kids pop up. They don't say anything but you have a few choices on how to break their heart. The choices themselves aren't bad and are reasonably clever (I guess), but there's no control to this game. It gives you points depending on how badly you break their heart, but it's the same choices over and over with no reason to keep trying.

When Silver Dollar Games makes a morally questionable game about something like cheating on as many girls as you can, at least there's a little bit of gameplay and challenge there... a reason to get a little stressed out. I'm not saying Silver Dollar Games are the pinnacle of excellence, but they should have made Heart Break Simulator because this is one of the worst games I've ever played. Having poitns does not a game make.

Rating: 0/10

Five Drinking Games Not To Play On St. Paddy's Day

Written By: Tyler

Before I begin, I just want to say that people should drink responsibly. Drinking and driving is not okay, and if you think you are too drunk to drive, you are... so don't. Even if you've had a few and think you can drive... don't. I'm not a drinker myself, outside of some rare occasions, but this isn't a guilt trip. In fact, I'm making this article as a joke and it's not meant to make fun of or be insensitive towards people who have been affected by drinking in a negative way.

This isn't a serious article! So don't say, "well they don't actually do this that often in games," because it's a comedy post. And by all means, give me your own picks because I only chose five.

Though most people would have had their fun by the time they read this because St. Patrick's Day falls on a Monday and that gives people an entire weekend to forget, the actual day is today so that's why I'm posting this up.


 1: Don't take a drink every time you die in Flappy Bird. Flappy Bird is considered one of the hardest mobile games and for good reason -- because it's bullshit. The simple concept of flying a bird in between pipes by tapping the screen doesn't sound hard, but in practice it's extremely frustrating because the game doesn't want you to be happy. I don't urge people to take a drink every time they die if they want to live, which is an awkward sentence.

In fact, it was reported on Gamespot on March 5th that a Flappy Bird Clone is created every 24 minutes. If you take a drink every time a clone is created then that's a much safer environment for yourself and others.


2: Don't take a drink when you die in Dark Souls 2. In what can only be described as a surefire way to make your children parentless or your parents childless , don't take a drink when you die in Dark Souls 2 because that would mean you'd be taking a drink approximately every -2 seconds. That's right... the game is so hard it kills you before you even start playing. Just don't do this kids.


3: Don't take a drink every time that Solid Snake doesn't have a sweet clue what's going on. I'm a Metal Gear fanatic -- as you're going to see over the next couple days -- but Solid Snake is notorious for not having any idea what's going on. This is a guy who is basically an ultimate soldier yet somehow he's always in the dark about what's going on.

Mind you, this is safer than 1 and 2 by a long shot, but I still wouldn't recommend it to anybody.
Every Time


4: Don't take a drink every time I die in an online first-person shooter. Unless it's Killzone -- the only FPS where I feel like I'm at least decent -- then I don't stand a chance. For your own sobriety and health, avoid taking a drink ever time I die in an online shooter.


5: Don't take a drink every time that you get called a "meat puppet" or some variation of meat in Borderlands 1 and 2. The psychos and just the general banter from enemies and NPCs is always entertaining in the Borderlands series, but you'll get called a meat puppet or a meat bicycle (or something meat related) so often that if it were a drinking game the entire room would be passed out within an hour.

Weekly News Round-Up, March 9 - 15: The Witcher 3 Delay Kills Millions

Written By: Tyler

When I write these round-ups, I edit the article at least once a day since it's an on-going thing throughout the week. With that said, let's see if we can get through the week without mentioning TITANFALL, outside of that once.

Since The Wire officially had its last episode on March 9 of 2008, and many people were mourning for at least a week six years ago because of that... expect to see a lot of gifs in honor of the greatest show of all time. 

This week's Weekly News Round-Up Is Sponsored By:

No, not really... but of they want to back up the Metal Gear truck to my house and unload a whole bunch of merchandise I will be theirs forever and do anything they want -- up to and including killing a man. I can be bought. Get this game on March 17.

I hope you enjoy this week, and tell me what you think in the comments below or follow me on Twitter @ArtBathednCrime and yell at me there.


SHOTS FIRED!!! Microsoft Takes Aim At Sony Concerning "Games With Gold"
http://www.gamespot.com/articles/xbox-s-phil-spencer-says-games-with-gold-is-fundamentally-different-than-playstation-plus/1100-6418195/

Phil Spencer says that "Games With Gold" is different because you get to keep the games even if you don't renew your subscription., which admittedly is a bonus. But I would imagine a lot of Playstation users will always have Playstation Plus because you need it to play most online games, so the rental-type service isn't really that bad.

But I'm jealous because in the past "Games With Gold" has offered games such as Halo 3... a game that pretty much every Xbox owner must have had anyway.


Newegg Is Offering The Xbone With A Free Game
http://www.gamespot.com/articles/xbox-one-comes-with-free-game-on-newegg/1100-6418194/

If you buy an Xbone from online retailer Newegg for 500 dolla dolla billz, you get a free game! You can choose between Call of Duty: Ghosts, Battlefield 4 (makes a good beverage coaster), Assassin's Creed 4: Black Flag, Need For Speed: Rivals, NBA 2K14 and... Just Dance 2014.

Or, by the time you read this, you can get the TITANFALL bundle.


I Am Sorry, For I Have Failed

I mentioned TITANFALL again.


Bobby Kotick Receives A Measly 7.85 Million Dollar Bonus
http://www.gamespot.com/articles/activision-blizzard-ceo-bobby-kotick-receives-7-85-million-bonus/1100-6418250/

This news makes me so sad. The Blizzard CEO only got a 7.85 million dollar bonus due to his performance in 2013. As we all know, Blizzard basically pumps crack into the streets in the form of WoW, Starcraft and Diablo, so he should be commended for his drug dealing skills.

EA States That When You Push Innovation You Miss Other Things

http://www.gamespot.com/articles/ea-on-battlefield-4-simcity-issues-when-you-push-innovation-you-miss-other-things/1100-6418234/

Yeah, like functional games. Releasing sequels that may slightly improve on the games prior isn't innovation either. Shut up EA.


EA Cuts Jobs At Plants vs Zombies Studio
http://www.gamespot.com/articles/ea-cuts-jobs-at-plants-vs-zombies-studio/1100-6418302/

Apparently 40 people lost their jobs. Always sad to see layoffs.



Ubisoft Has A Bunch Of Games Planned
http://www.gamespot.com/articles/ubisoft-has-assassin-s-creed-splinter-cell-and-three-more-unannounced-games-in-the-works/1100-6418209/

Quoted from Gamespot:

Ubisoft Toronto's Current Development Pipeline:

• New Assassin's Creed
• Two new IP
• New Splinter Cell game
• Mystery game based on one of Ubisoft's "biggest" franchises

Necessary Jade Raymond Picture:

I have no sex appeal to market so I use the sex appeal of others.

The Incredible Adventures of Van Helsing 2 Is Comin' April 17
http://ca.ign.com/articles/2014/03/11/incredible-adventures-of-van-helsing-2-gets-a-release-date

The first was surprisingly good, so anybody who hasn't played it should go play it meow. Then play the sequel which I can only assume will be more Van Helsinger than the original.


The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt Is Delayed Until 2015
http://ca.ign.com/articles/2014/03/11/the-witcher-3-wild-hunt-release-date-delayed-to-2015

If you haven't killed yourself because of the headline, you can expect the game in February of next year. It'll be okay, they just want to make the game the best it can possibly be.


Xbox One Live's Core Services Were Limited This Week, Not TITANFALL's Fault
http://ca.ign.com/articles/2014/03/11/xbox-ones-live-core-services-limited-not-titanfalls-fault

Xbox Live had some issues this week, but don't worry, they made sure to inform us that it wasn't TITANFALL's fault... which was unnecessary because like your troubled child, nothing is ever really TITANFALL's fault.

Here's A Shocker, Flappy Bird Creator Considering Bringing The Game Back
http://ca.ign.com/articles/2014/03/11/flappy-bird-creator-considering-bringing-the-game-back

Dong Nguyen recently had an interview in Rolling Stone and he stated that he's considering bringing the game back, but with a precaution that people should take a break from it. Personally I don't see the appeal because the game is ass, and he didn't say that it's coming back for sure by any means... but I wonder what is making him consider it? Hmm..

Don't Have Enough MMOs? The Wildstar Release Date Leaked
http://ca.ign.com/articles/2014/03/11/wildstar-release-date-leaked

The MMO is a growing genre that up until recently had no popularity whatsoever, so it's nice to see Wildstar coming out pretty soon to finally breathe some life into this dying genre. It comes out on June 3.


Yakuza Forced Ubisoft To Reveal Watch Dogs At E3
http://www.destructoid.com/ubisoft-forced-watch-dogs-e3-reveal-minimum-pc-specs-defined-271858.phtml

Okay, so I'm just kidding about the Yakuza thing. In reality Ubisoft forced the Watch Dogs reveal at E3 that year where it erupted and completely consumed the gaming world. New consoles what? We have Watch Dogs.

The specs were also revealed, so, there's that too. The specs are in the link above. What? You thought that I was going to show them? What do you think this is?

Fine:
IntelCore 2 Quad Q8400 2.66Ghz or AMDPhenom II X4 940 3.0Ghz, 6GB RAM, 1024 VRAM DirectX 11 Shader 5.0 SCard: DirectX9 25 GB.

Don't say that I don't love you.


Speaking of Watch Dogs...
http://www.gamespot.com/articles/watch-dogs-beta-download-found-on-xbox-one/1100-6418231/

It's also possible that there will be a beta before the final release.

The Last Of Us Movie To Re-Tell The Story of The Game
http://www.gamespot.com/articles/another-reason-why-the-last-of-us-movie-is-sounding-good/1100-6418282/

Really, it's a funny concept when you think about it -- a video game adaption in movie format that tells the story of the game. So strange.

To those who haven't played The Last of Us, here's a basic rundown of the story: Two people try to survive in a post-apocalyptic world run by infected. Never been done in the movies before... should be good!

SHOTS FIRED!!! 2 Sony Vs Microsoft Again
http://www.gamespot.com/articles/sony-fires-off-another-shot-at-xbox-policies/1100-6418280/

Adam Boyes took a shot at Microsoft over their policies for ID@Xbox which basically limits independent developers in the sense that every game they release must be released on the Xbox One at the same time as any other console, so no timed exclusives.

Adam Boyes figured that was stinky so he released this image on Twitter, the place where everyone goes to feud:

Um... pwned? Do people say pwned anymore? Well I do.

 Will this be the Biggie vs Pac of this decade? Time will tell.


Sony Talks The Last Guardian
http://www.destructoid.com/sony-i-love-that-people-are-still-interested-in-the-last-guardian-271839.phtml

Scott Rhode said, "You’re going to be very frustrated by this answer, but it is 100 percent the God’s honest truth, and that is that we want to make great games. And when we see that the public is so interested in a specific game, of course that drives us to want to complete that game. But it also drives us to want to make it great. We would not want to ship that game if we don’t think it’s great."

He said that the game is in the mix.

We've been waiting at least 73 years for this game.

And this is all we get?

Stallion83 Basically Becomes A God Among Gamers Who Love Unlocking Achievements
http://kotaku.com/watch-live-as-a-hero-gets-a-gamerscore-of-over-one-mill-1542821937/1542852654/+lukeplunkett

Though I'm not a guy who really gets caught up in that kind of thing, I have to give props to any gamer who accomplishes anything substantial within gaming. Congrats, comrade, for reaching a gamerscore of 1 million.

Never has this been more appropriate.

Masahiro Sakurai Doesn't Give A Shit About Your Console War
http://kotaku.com/smash-bros-creator-reviews-the-ps4-1542882797

Masahiro Sakurai has a badass name. He also created Kirby and Smash Bros. Guess what he also does? He likes the PS4, despite being a Nintendo guy... a concept that is immune to fanboys of any console.


Shovel Knight Is Delayed
http://www.polygon.com/2014/3/12/5502070/shovel-knight-delay

Shovel Knight is the game about Triple H (a little bit of humour for anybody who has ever paid attention to what the Internet Wrestling Community thinks) has been delayed by a few weeks in order to offer a better product. Whew, at least it's only a few weeks.


Never Fear, The Fun Box Is (T)Here... Er, In China
http://www.polygon.com/2014/3/12/5501608/china-getting-its-own-native-built-gaming-console-the-fun-box

So China has its own console coming out soon, and if you remember, the video game ban was lifted not too long ago. So um, yeah, The Fun Box. The Fun Box.

Does this mean China world domination in video games? Probably.


Wii U Is Outpacing PS4 In Japan
http://ca.ign.com/articles/2014/03/13/wii-u-sales-outpacing-playstation-4as-in-japan

So, you wouldn't believe it but the Wii U is actually outpacing the PS4. The Wii U sold more systems in its first three weeks than the PS4 has. Well, that's embarassing.


Hideo Kojima Wants To Make A Silent Hill
http://www.gamespot.com/articles/kojima-would-like-to-work-on-silent-hill-is-he-a-good-fit-for-the-series/1100-6418299/

Gamespot asks, is he a good fit? Are you nuts? Of course he is... he's Hideo Kojima.

So the news is that he wants to make a new Silent Hill, but also would be interested in a free-to-play adventure game even though it seems unlikely. He doesn't want to make puzzle or card games.


Hideo Also Wants Snake in New Super Smash Bros. But It's Probably Not Happening
http://ca.ign.com/articles/2014/03/14/kojima-open-to-snake-returning-in-super-smash-bros-for-wii-u

I loved Snake in Smash Bros. but it appears that he isn't going to be there this time around, despite Hideo asking really politely to have him put in. What a nice guy.


Hold Your Horses, A Second MMO Hits The Market In the Future
http://ca.ign.com/videos/2014/03/14/swordsman-announcement-trailer

Following the buzz of Wildstar and this new avenue to explore in PC gaming, there's a martial arts-inspired MMO titled Swordsman coming out. There's a video in the link above, and it looks like Jon Jones is finally going to fight Daniel Cormier.

I just hope that we don't get flooded with MMOs to the point that they become stale.


Playstation 4 Going Up In Price In Canada
http://ca.ign.com/articles/2014/03/14/playstation-4-prices-going-up-in-canada

On March 15th (holy crap that's today!), the PS4s are going up in price, same with the camera and Dual Shock 4. I would say go out and get one before it's too late, but if you're just finding this out today then it's too late, you've already been hit (Limp Bizkit - Head For The Barricade reference, since nobody actually listens to that garbage but me).

Canada is the greatest country on Earth. Obviously.


Now Onto Some Good News -- Crazy Taxi!
http://www.gamespot.com/articles/new-crazy-taxi-game-revealed-here-s-everything-we-know/1100-6418312/

Yay! New Crazy Taxi!

...For mobile.

In the link there is a rundown of everything they know so far but I've just become depressed because everything I hold dear gets sequels on phones. Hopefully it's good but, uh, forget it. Fuck this.


Josef Fares Thinks Very Highly Of His New Game
http://www.gamespot.com/articles/designer-of-acclaimed-brothers-says-next-project-is-something-that-hasn-t-been-done-before/1100-6418313/

So Brothers: A Tale of Two Sons seemed to really catch on, and now Fares says the next game will be something we haven't seen before.

Fares... I've been on the internet for over 10 years, there's nothing I haven't seen before.

No User-Generated Content For Infamous 3: Second Son
http://www.gamespot.com/articles/ps4-game-infamous-second-son-won-t-support-user-generated-content/1100-6418317/

So unlike Infamous 2, there wont' be user-generated content as part of Second Son. There won't be a demo either. Which means you're in the dark about as much as you can be with the internet connecting everybody at all times, infecting your brain until you can't take it anymore, to the point where you explode and start watching reruns of Heroes while you wonder how they could mess up something so great so bad.

Ahem.

I don't know where I was. So, moving on...


More Details About Hyper Light Drifter
http://www.destructoid.com/here-s-some-info-on-how-hyper-light-drifter-is-going-to-play-271956.phtml

The game is going to be hard but never unfair, with enemies being smart and the battles being more thoughtful. I don't even care, just give me the game right NOW! Inject it into me, it doesn't matter, I just want it.


Infamous Was Going To Be Animal Crossing With Superheroes
http://www.destructoid.com/infamous-started-as-an-animal-crossing-like-game-271958.phtml

This makes the whole "Villager is a psycho" meme even more terrifying.

In what is probably the funniest, strangest and most awesome news of the past week (and possibly my life), Infamous was going to be like Animal Crossing, but with you being a superhero. I am always down for Animal Crossing, and this sounds amazing. I want this instead of Second Son, not that I think Second Son will be bad.


New Steam Controller Prototype
http://www.gamespot.com/articles/here-s-the-latest-steam-controller-prototype/1100-6418327/

On the left is the new design.

I guess I close out the news this week with an image of the new design for the Valve Steam controller. Personally, I think it looks kind of stupid but I'm sure it'll be functional and fine. They're going to show it off next week at GDC so make sure to stay tuned.


Oh Wait, There's More! Let's Talk About Skype On Xbox One
http://ca.ign.com/articles/2014/03/15/skype-for-xbox-one-receives-many-new-features

Always reliable Skype has some updates for the Xbox One version and these inclu

On The Podcast Episode 4 -- Black Ops Zombies, Thief, Too Much Sonic, Flappy Bird... And Jacob Tries To End The Podcast Before It Begins

 Welcome to Episode 4 of On The Podcast, YOUR (okay our) weekly Podcast... starring Jacob and Tyler, two random dudes who talk about things and may or may not be related.

Anyway, this week we have a video game focused episode. Most of the time we try to throw in some real world events, movies, books, whatever... but this time we found ourselves mostly talking games. We did touch a bit on things like Pinky Pony and whatnot, however.


Youtube: http://youtu.be/rL7kKIpkYEs
Listen To Mp3:
Download Mp3:https://archive.org/details/onthepodcastepisode4

News Round-Up February 9 - 15: More News About Titanfall, Nintendo And GOAT SIMULATOR?

Written By: Tyler

Hey peeps, what's up? Hope your week is going okay, and now that it's Saturday you can read my long-ass News Round-Up... which is a weekly thing I do where I make fun of some of the more important news of the week. Read on.


Arkham Origins Is A Bug Collector
http://www.gamespot.com/articles/batman-arkham-origins-has-no-plans-to-fix-several-game-breaking-bugs/1100-6417619/

How do you piss off your fans? How do you piss off people that paid for your product? You do exactly what Warner Brothers Montreal did this week. You tell people that if you release a patch, you will address the progression glitches, but you will not fix the other bugs. Why not push DLC over a broken game? I mean, don't even promise people that you'll fix the major issues that literally corrupt save files. Great customer service.


Remember How The Creator Of Flappy Bird Took It Down?

Last week I reported (meaning I ripped the news off of other, more credible sites... and Twitter) that the creator of Flappy Bird issued a Refused style break-up message with Flappy Bird and took it down. Well don't worry, because there's more!

You can buy a phone with Flappy Bird on it if you don't already have it... for a tremendous amount of money. Or you could buy one of the many clones that have popped up.

No... this:

Jonathan Blow would love this.

Oh, people.


Steam Update Rolls In, Shows New Updates
http://ca.ign.com/articles/2014/02/10/steam-store-adds-a-recently-updated-section

Valve updated Steam this week and the new update is an easy way to tell what games have recently been given updates. Of course this will be a good way to go back to old games. Great, just what I need, more reasons to play more games.


Minecraft-Inspired Movie SHUT DOWN
http://www.gamespot.com/articles/minecraft-inspired-movie-shut-down/1100-6417633/

The Minecraft movie that wasn't licensed by Notch that apparently didn't even have a deal in place was shut down. It's really not a surprise that Notch shut it down "Brendan Schaub vs Cyborg Abreu at Metamoris II" style considering the director of the movie doesn't own the IP.


Watch Dogs For The Wii U Delayed
http://ca.ign.com/articles/2014/02/10/watch-dogs-coming-to-wii-u-later-than-other-systems

Once upon a time there was this game called Watch Dogs that flew under the radar. When it came close to release date, it got delayed but very few people cared. Now it's scheduled for release in the Spring... except for Wii U. It's very rare that bad things happen to the Wii U so this isn't such a big deal.

...

World of Speed Is Coming And It's Going To Be Free
http://www.gamespot.com/articles/world-of-speed-a-racing-mmo-with-grand-ambitions/1100-6417561/

World of Speed is an ambitious free-to-play... oh wait, I have to listen to the internet grumble for a bit over "free-to-play."

Titanfall Will Not Allow You To Shoot Through Walls
http://www.gamespot.com/articles/titanfall-dev-explains-why-you-can-t-shoot-through-walls/1100-6417629/

In a decidedly non-Next-Gen move, Respawn announced that you can not shoot through walls in the much hyped Titanfall. So of course, in the comments section the internet erupted and argued about why this does or doesn't make sense. Screw you Titanfall! It doesn't make sense to have Titans destroying everything! This is going to be shit like CoD! Battlefield 4 rulez! DUDE TITANFALL ISN'T OUT YET! I PEED MY PANTS!

It was an internet war unlike any other, and many lives were lost. They will be missed.


New Call of Duty Will Prioritize Next-Gen Consoles and PC
http://www.destructoid.com/this-year-s-call-of-duty-to-prioritize-pc-ps4-xbox-one-270313.phtml

Speaking of next-gen, do I have some news for you.

Instead of making something for current gen (last gen? What IS IT NOW?), Sledgehammer is going to develop for the brand spankin' new consoles and PC and then port to the old systems from there. What this means is that in the new CoD we will have two dogs on screen at a time during campaign and we will also see real fish AI like Super Mario 64 since we'll be able to handle it now.


Supposedly Dark Souls 2 Is Rated T
http://www.destructoid.com/dark-souls-ii-earns-a-t-rating-from-the-esrb-270295.phtml

Unless T stands for TerriblyFrustrating, I don't see how this can be true. Due to the extremely dark and maddening aspects of the game, I would rate it CB for Chris Benoit... because it's so difficult you'll kill yourself and your family.

Too soon.

Remember That Flappy Bird Game I Talked About... Above?
http://ca.ign.com/articles/2014/02/11/flappy-bird-creator-explains-why-he-pulled-the-game

Basically, people are assholes and addicts and he didn't want to be a part. Well played dude, even if the game sucks.


Murasaki Baby -- The Trailer Is Weird, But... Strangely Alluring (Like Your Mom)
http://ca.ign.com/videos/2014/02/11/murasaki-baby-vitas-weirdest-game

If you'd ignore the fact that I made a "your mom" joke for a second and go to that link and watch the trailer for this new promising Vita game, you'll understand what I mean when I post this:

Goat Simulator
http://www.gamespot.com/articles/goat-simulator-is-a-real-game-that-s-really-happening/1100-6417672/


It's not very often that a random game shoots up my "Most Anticipated Games" list, but this one did. I'm not even joking. There is no joke here. I don't have to make one because the video will make you laugh.


Sons of Anarchy Game Is Still In Production
http://www.gamespot.com/articles/sons-of-anarchy-game-back-on-will-be-f-ing-awesome/1100-6417670/

Kurt Sutter, the creator of SoA, says that the game is in production and it's going to be "fucking awesome." Straight to the point, I like it.

In all seriousness I might play the game if Rockstar makes it -- even though the idea of an SoA game doesn't overly appeal to me (despite being a huge fan of the show) -- because they made The Warriors and that was fantastic. They also made uh, Grand Train Audio or whatever, so it might be okay.


PS4 100+ games
Microsoft 25 bucks for usage of head phones


But Enough About That Shit, Let's Hear What EA Has To Say

In the first ever EA Corner, we got the stuff that EA says, except for the things they say in private to their wives and husbands because that's probably creepy. Whenever EA says something I will be here to make the same jokes about it that I do every week. Without EA I wouldn't even have a weekly news round-up.

It's important to note that it's what EA says, not Respawn (hence Titanfall news being above). I don't want to confuse all three of my readers, you know. Let's get on it.


EA CFO (Certified Fork Operator) Blake Jorgensen stated that Titanfall is going to be a series that is around for a long, long time. Yeah, well at least a year because that's how long it's going to take to hammer out the bugs to make it work because you force it out early. Ba dum tsss.

EA CFO (Cranky Fish Omnipotent) Blake Jorgensen said that mobile games won't kill consoles. That's right, because EA will. Zing!

EA chief creative officer Rich Hilleman... wait where's Blake? Dammit, I had something going there. Anyway, Rich Hillerman went all Tower Defense and defended the crappy launch of Battlefield 4 basically stating that he won't accept that people think it's a bad product and doesn't think customers will say that anyway. He also said that they will learn from their past mistakes. Just like with Sim City. OH SNAP!

Well that concludes The EA Corner for now. Let's move onto other news.


Like The Nintendo Direct That Was Held This Week

Every Nintendo fan gets excited for Nintendo Direct. I'm no different. We shouldn't have gotten our hopes up too much because Nintendo said it was focused on games releasing this Spring (despite a couple games being shown that have later release dates).

But there's always that hope that BANG, NEW ZELDA! Or Metroid. Or Star Fox. Or Earthbound. Whatever. We didn't get it, spoiler tags.

We now know that Little Mac is in Smash Bros, which is awesome. We finally saw a little more of THE GREATEST RPG EVER -- X. We saw some more Bayonetta 2, Mario Kart, Donkey Kong, Yoshi's New Island, etc.

We saw some games that are coming for the eShop, and admittedly some of them look cool.

We saw the tears of all Nintendo fanboys.

We saw more about games we already know about. It was about par for the course with Nintendo Direct, and yet I keep getting hyped. I was going to make a hype train picture but it turns out there's already a bunch of them. Well played, Internet.


Steam Going To Have Tags
http://ca.ign.com/articles/2014/02/12/valve-introduces-user-generated-steam-tags

Now you can categorize stuff! Yay! FINALLY!

...

In all seriousness I like how the article makes sure to mention that swear words will be censored. Dang.


Farting Will Feel Authentic in the South Park RPG
http://www.gamespot.com/articles/south-park-rpg-will-make-farting-feel-authentic/1100-6417695/

In what is surely the most important news of the week, Trey Parker said that the farting will feel authentic, and I quote, "It was really important that you didn't just press a button to fart. You need to feel it go out of your asshole."

I agree! 100%. This is wonderful news, and it's nice that we're finally getting realism in our games. I think this game was meant for the Oculus Rift... if it was... on your... ass.


Square Enix Says FFXV Is Far Into Development
http://ca.ign.com/articles/2014/02/13/final-fantasy-15-quite-far-into-development

In some reassuring news, especially considering the news before that they weren't sure when the game would be released, Square Enix says that FFXV -- the latest entry in the most final series of all time -- is far into development.

I also learned that there are direct sequels coming. Do you remember the days when Final Fantasy games would just be standalones? Because Square doesn't.

Now, just get The World Ends With You 2 underway and we'll be good.


Hideo Kojima Loves the PS4 The Mostest Forever <3
http://ca.ign.com/articles/2014/02/13/hideo-kojima-praises-the-power-of-the-ps4

The article states, however, that the Xbone hasn't been released in Japan yet so Kojima may not have included it in his statement.


Xbox One Patch To Fix The Controller Input
http://ca.ign.com/articles/2014/02/13/xbox-one-patch-to-fix-controller-input-for-titanfall

Titanfall apparently runs roughshod over everything, but it's good because now the Xbox One update that is coming later this month will fix the controller input because now it's "overly twitchy."

CandySwipe Developer Published An Open Letter to King
http://ca.ign.com/articles/2014/02/12/candyswipe-dev-publishes-open-letter-to-candy-crush-publisher

As the title states, Albert Ransom -- who developed CandySwipe -- published an open letter on King.com which basically states that King are assholes and that they win, just in nicer terms.

If you aren't aware of King, they tried to mess things up for The Banner Saga too because Saga is in the title so they don't want the Viking epic to be confused with Candy Crush Saga.

Meanwhile, in a dark alley way, King are hanging out with EA. True story.


The Evil Within Gets A Release Date
http://ca.ign.com/articles/2014/02/14/the-evil-within-release-date-announced

The Evil Within, the documentary about this blog, gets a release date... and it's right now. Nah it's August 26. Prepare to piss yourself at the end of summer.


Xbox Live Gold Is Free Right Now
http://www.gamespot.com/articles/xbox-live-gold-free-for-all-this-weekend-on-xbox-360/1100-6417715/

If you're one of the few people who don't have Xbox Live Gold, then it's actually free this weekend. I don't have any jokes here, I've just realized that I don't often put positive Microsoft news. #microsoftsux


Bungie Reveals One Of The Mounts In Destiny
http://ca.ign.com/articles/2014/02/13/destiny-bungie-unveils-the-shrike-vehicle

PETA be damned.

The mount is called the Shrike.


Why Not Release a Hitman Game That Isn't Like Other Hitman Games?
http://www.gamespot.com/articles/hitman-getting-a-turn-based-strategy-game-for-real/1100-6417725/

Square Enix Montreal apparently agrees with that sentiment because they are developing a Hitman game for tablets and mobile that is a turn-based strategy game.

I'm just going to go ahead and ignore every Hitman game from now on until they literally come out and say, "Hey. We are done experimenting with a franchise that shouldn't be experimented with, we've decided Absolution pissed on everything and we're going back to what made the games so good from the beginning to Blood Money."

What is the over-under on that happening?


In Much Better News, The Arma 3 DLC Is Kind Of Like Dungeons and Dragons
http://www.destructoid.com/arma-3-s-zeus-dlc-introduces-a-new-role-game-master-270495.phtml

Oh shit.

The Zeus Game Master DLC will allow players to basically be Dungeon Masters and control objectives, spawn units, etc. I don't know how this is going to work in a game like Arma, but that's a damn cool idea and Square Enix Montreal should listen to the developers of this.


Gearbox Not Working On Borderlands 3 Now, I Repeat, Gearbox NOT Working On Borderlands 3 Now

I don't even know what to do. I don't know where to go, who to talk to. I don't know who to blame. I am so lost.

Oh you bet your ass I can. And I do.


Halo 5 Coming To Xbox In 2015... Maybe?
http://www.gamespot.com/articles/halo-5-coming-to-xbox-in-2015-according-to-master-chief-voice-actor-update/1100-6417742/

Nobody really knows except for the developers. But we like to just latch onto stuff one individual says. That's what we do.


DayZ May Come To PS4 and Xbone
http://www.gamespot.com/articles/xbox-one-and-ps4-could-get-open-world-zombie-game-dayz/1100-6417765/

This is great news to anybody who doesn't have a PC that can run DayZ. Mind you, it'll probably be better on PC but it's nice when more people are able to get killed by other, better geared players and rage quit. Console gamers should be thankful for this potential awesomeness.


Video Games May Help With Dyslexia
http://www.gamespot.com/articles/video-games-are-good-for-you-may-help-manage-dyslexia/1100-6417764/

May also help you with boredom.

It's always nice when articles like this come out because there are always going to be critics of video games who still see them as useless and a waste of time. Now however, instead of just praising this discovery and using it to better our lives, we can slap it in the face of hatas.

VIDEO GAMED.

And so there you have it -- some of the most important news of the week. Make sure to tune in next week when I make fun of more news and quietly lament Ellen Page being gay because now there's even less chance than there was before.