Welcome to Episode 4 of On The Podcast, YOUR (okay our) weekly Podcast... starring Jacob and Tyler, two random dudes who talk about things and may or may not be related.
Anyway, this week we have a video game focused episode. Most of the time we try to throw in some real world events, movies, books, whatever... but this time we found ourselves mostly talking games. We did touch a bit on things like Pinky Pony and whatnot, however.
Youtube: http://youtu.be/rL7kKIpkYEs
Listen To Mp3:
Download Mp3:https://archive.org/details/onthepodcastepisode4
Friday 28 February 2014
Tuesday 25 February 2014
Top Ten Tuesday -- Top 10 Catchphrases In Video Games
Written By: Tyler
.JPG)
I like lists. In fact, I like lists a lot. If I had my way I'd probably sit around and make lists that nobody else cares about all day. But alas, people tell me that I have to go have a life or go to work. I was on The Broke and The Bookish where they do/did Top Ten Tuesdays and I really like the idea of doing that weekly... however I probably won't be able to commit to it every week because I'm not that creative and this blog is free (I know, mind blown) and I have to put priority on other matters like paying those little gimmicks called bills -- to quote Stone Cold Steve Austin. Oh well, I will from this point on try to do a Top Ten Tuesday as often as possible even if it's only once a month.
Since Bravely Default is so long and is taking up so much time I haven't written a review in a while and coincidentally I've had less content on here lately because of it. Fear not, a review for Bravely Default is coming, along with Thief and Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze, among whatever indie games happen to fall into my lap.
One thing I feel the need to mention, and will probably mention each time I make a list, is that this is my list. I'm not sitting here trying to be "objective." I'm not sitting here debating to myself what the most important catch phrase is. I keep it simple stupid because my mind can't handle much else -- I include the catch phrases that I like.
Here are the Top 10 Catchphrases In Video Games
It's important to note there is a difference between catch phrases and quotes. There are some badass quotes in games but if they've only said it once then it doesn't qualify. I don't like to flood my list with the same games so if there are numerous catchphrases in one game the entire game will be represented by my absolute favourite.
10: Scorpion from Mortal Kombat - "Get Over Here!"
When you hear Scorpion yell this at you, it's too late, you've already been hit (damn!). If you didn't catch that Limp Bizkit reference than shame on you.
Scorpion is a badass and he throws his spear at you. When it hits you, he yells this at you and even though you really don't wanna go over there, you have no choice because the spear is in your neck or chest. After that point there's probably an uppercut coming.
9: Random Voice in Ogre Battle - "Fight It Out"
This probably isn't a popular pick but I try to throw Ogre Battle: March of the Black Queen into everything I do. At work, at home, at fancy dinners, whatever, I talk about Ogre Battle.
Right before you're about to get in a fight, you hear a voice say "Fight it out." And then this song hits:
Then you know shit got real
8: Moogles in Final Fantasy - Kupo!
I love Moogles. Fans of Final Fantasy love Moogles. I feel like they are a good representation of Final Fantasy. Admittedly, while characters have said a lot of great lines in the series, there aren't that many great catchphrases, so leave it to the cute little white things to save the day.
7: Random Enemies from River City Ransom - Barf!
A great supporting role in a movie compliments the lead and makes the experience better. The enemies in River City Ransom compliment you because when you are done kicking the shit out of them, they die... but first they barf. It's extremely satisfying.
6: Your Wife From Genghis Khan 2 - "...Is that lipstick on your collar?"
You can choose to spend time with your family in order to create children to lead your army after you pass. I think Genghis Khan 2 is an overlooked or at least under appreciated Strategy game from a company that was firing on all cylinders at the time, and despite it being memorable for all kinds of reasons, it's this quote that sticks out to me.
Why? Because the game forces you to cheat! I've entered marital problems that I didn't even know existed! I was off trying to build an empire but apparently I was getting down a lot with random girls (or guys?), and my wife knows it. She's a clever little thing, but she still sleeps with me so in my book that's a win-win for men all around the world.
5: Toad from Super Mario Bros. - "Thank you Mario! But our Princess is in another castle!"
It's such an overdone choice but there's a reason for that. For years, children all over would play Mario and we'd be bashed over the head with disappointment after disappointment when we were told this. The thing that really pisses me off is that he seems so joyful about it... I mean as much as an 8-bit character can be. Look at those exclamation marks.
4: Ryu and Ken from Street Fighter - "Shoryuken!"
This beats "Hadouken!" for me just because of the amount of passion that Ryu and Ken put into it. I feel like that has to count for something, so even though I like using the Hadouken more, Ryu and Ken deserve more praise for their enunciation of Shoryuken.
3: Sergeant Cortez from Timesplitters - "It's time to split."
This is one of the most self-aware, cheesiest lines in all of gaming, and I love Cortez for it. It gets to the point that he has used it so much that he ends up getting cut-off because people are just tired of him. That's the mark of a classic catchphrase, and I can only hope I can get to that point in my life.
2: The Game Over Screen in the Metal Gear Solid Series - "Snake? Snake? SNAAAAAAAKE!"
This beat out Solid Snake going "Damn!" and "Metal Geeeeear?" but it was a hard choice. This is more memorable because whenever you die people get upset. That's an alien feeling to me in real life (because I die all the time and nobody cares), so when you hear people like Otacon yell your name... it makes you feel good.
1: Atlas/Fontaine in Bioshock - "Would you kindly?"
I had to put this number one because it's a legit awesome line. Some of these choices are just because I spent years having them drilled into my head. This is actually clever writing. What I love about Bioshock is that it's very post-modern. It dissects video games.
It does this by taking something that gamers never think about and putting a new spin on it. As gamers we just do what we're told. We progress when we can. In Bioshock you progress because you're hypnotized. All of a sudden, it all makes sense... he wasn't just being nice to you, he was bossing you around! It's genius and it's my favourite catchphrase.
If you have an idea of a list that you'd like to see me do, regardless of how silly it could be, let me know in the comments below or on Twitter @ArtBathednCrime. I will try my best to eventually do it as long as it's possible and entertaining.
.JPG)
I like lists. In fact, I like lists a lot. If I had my way I'd probably sit around and make lists that nobody else cares about all day. But alas, people tell me that I have to go have a life or go to work. I was on The Broke and The Bookish where they do/did Top Ten Tuesdays and I really like the idea of doing that weekly... however I probably won't be able to commit to it every week because I'm not that creative and this blog is free (I know, mind blown) and I have to put priority on other matters like paying those little gimmicks called bills -- to quote Stone Cold Steve Austin. Oh well, I will from this point on try to do a Top Ten Tuesday as often as possible even if it's only once a month.
Since Bravely Default is so long and is taking up so much time I haven't written a review in a while and coincidentally I've had less content on here lately because of it. Fear not, a review for Bravely Default is coming, along with Thief and Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze, among whatever indie games happen to fall into my lap.
One thing I feel the need to mention, and will probably mention each time I make a list, is that this is my list. I'm not sitting here trying to be "objective." I'm not sitting here debating to myself what the most important catch phrase is. I keep it simple stupid because my mind can't handle much else -- I include the catch phrases that I like.
Here are the Top 10 Catchphrases In Video Games
It's important to note there is a difference between catch phrases and quotes. There are some badass quotes in games but if they've only said it once then it doesn't qualify. I don't like to flood my list with the same games so if there are numerous catchphrases in one game the entire game will be represented by my absolute favourite.
10: Scorpion from Mortal Kombat - "Get Over Here!"
When you hear Scorpion yell this at you, it's too late, you've already been hit (damn!). If you didn't catch that Limp Bizkit reference than shame on you.
Scorpion is a badass and he throws his spear at you. When it hits you, he yells this at you and even though you really don't wanna go over there, you have no choice because the spear is in your neck or chest. After that point there's probably an uppercut coming.
9: Random Voice in Ogre Battle - "Fight It Out"
This probably isn't a popular pick but I try to throw Ogre Battle: March of the Black Queen into everything I do. At work, at home, at fancy dinners, whatever, I talk about Ogre Battle.
Right before you're about to get in a fight, you hear a voice say "Fight it out." And then this song hits:
Then you know shit got real
8: Moogles in Final Fantasy - Kupo!
I love Moogles. Fans of Final Fantasy love Moogles. I feel like they are a good representation of Final Fantasy. Admittedly, while characters have said a lot of great lines in the series, there aren't that many great catchphrases, so leave it to the cute little white things to save the day.
7: Random Enemies from River City Ransom - Barf!
A great supporting role in a movie compliments the lead and makes the experience better. The enemies in River City Ransom compliment you because when you are done kicking the shit out of them, they die... but first they barf. It's extremely satisfying.
6: Your Wife From Genghis Khan 2 - "...Is that lipstick on your collar?"
You can choose to spend time with your family in order to create children to lead your army after you pass. I think Genghis Khan 2 is an overlooked or at least under appreciated Strategy game from a company that was firing on all cylinders at the time, and despite it being memorable for all kinds of reasons, it's this quote that sticks out to me.
Why? Because the game forces you to cheat! I've entered marital problems that I didn't even know existed! I was off trying to build an empire but apparently I was getting down a lot with random girls (or guys?), and my wife knows it. She's a clever little thing, but she still sleeps with me so in my book that's a win-win for men all around the world.
5: Toad from Super Mario Bros. - "Thank you Mario! But our Princess is in another castle!"
It's such an overdone choice but there's a reason for that. For years, children all over would play Mario and we'd be bashed over the head with disappointment after disappointment when we were told this. The thing that really pisses me off is that he seems so joyful about it... I mean as much as an 8-bit character can be. Look at those exclamation marks.
4: Ryu and Ken from Street Fighter - "Shoryuken!"
This beats "Hadouken!" for me just because of the amount of passion that Ryu and Ken put into it. I feel like that has to count for something, so even though I like using the Hadouken more, Ryu and Ken deserve more praise for their enunciation of Shoryuken.
3: Sergeant Cortez from Timesplitters - "It's time to split."
This is one of the most self-aware, cheesiest lines in all of gaming, and I love Cortez for it. It gets to the point that he has used it so much that he ends up getting cut-off because people are just tired of him. That's the mark of a classic catchphrase, and I can only hope I can get to that point in my life.
2: The Game Over Screen in the Metal Gear Solid Series - "Snake? Snake? SNAAAAAAAKE!"
This beat out Solid Snake going "Damn!" and "Metal Geeeeear?" but it was a hard choice. This is more memorable because whenever you die people get upset. That's an alien feeling to me in real life (because I die all the time and nobody cares), so when you hear people like Otacon yell your name... it makes you feel good.
1: Atlas/Fontaine in Bioshock - "Would you kindly?"
I had to put this number one because it's a legit awesome line. Some of these choices are just because I spent years having them drilled into my head. This is actually clever writing. What I love about Bioshock is that it's very post-modern. It dissects video games.
It does this by taking something that gamers never think about and putting a new spin on it. As gamers we just do what we're told. We progress when we can. In Bioshock you progress because you're hypnotized. All of a sudden, it all makes sense... he wasn't just being nice to you, he was bossing you around! It's genius and it's my favourite catchphrase.
If you have an idea of a list that you'd like to see me do, regardless of how silly it could be, let me know in the comments below or on Twitter @ArtBathednCrime. I will try my best to eventually do it as long as it's possible and entertaining.
Saturday 22 February 2014
Weekly News Round-Up -- February 16 - 22: More TITANFALL, I Make A Comic, MGS5 Is Complex, Microsoft Sad Over Rime, And There Is Some Good News For the Wii U For Once
Well, another week is over, and you know what that means? Yes, you have to go pick up your kid you deadbeat dad. To anyone who hasn't gone through a messy divorce, it is time to read my weekly video game news-round up!
I know you're sitting there wondering what this entails, but I think it's pretty obvious by the title. However, if that's too complex... basically I go through video game news that I deem important or at the very least easy to make fun of (hey, I have to make it simple for myself), and I comment on it/bore you to death.
In Titanfall The Titans Are Fueled by... Sandwiches?
http://onthegamely.blogspot.com
Good news people! Since every game site is just flooding their website with Titanfall in an effort to get more views, I am also doing it by making shit up!
In news that everybody already knew, sandwiches are awesome. To further this point, the titans in the game Titanrise will fuel themselves on those delicious little morsels we call sandwiches. Yum yum.
Peter Molyneux Says Godus Isn't Free-To-Play... It's Invest-To-Play
http://www.gamespot.com/articles/peter-molyneux-says-godus-is-invest-to-play-not-free-to-play/1100-6417794/
Apparently Molyneux says his new, admittedly neat, game Godus isn't going to be free-to-play, but he says it'll make you want to invest money to play. So be honest, just between me and you Pete... are you saying that I HAVE TO BUY THE GAME? What a novel idea!
We don't know exactly what he means, but I don't even know if he knows what he means at this point. The guy is known for this kind of thing after all.
But just to give his statement more attention than it deserves, let me show you what the exchange at the game store (no real store names here because I don't get paid for this!) would be like for Godus, if it weren't a download only title:
Sorry, You Have To Click This Link To See It
Apple and Google Reject Any App With "Flappy" In The Name
http://www.gamespot.com/articles/beyond-two-souls-david-cage-first-game-developer-to-receive-france-s-highest-honor/1100-6417793/
The news is in the title, and it's pretty self-explanatory. But damn, there goes my idea for the first ever bird RPG that really examines the plight of our fine feathered friends. I was going to call it Flappy Bird because I don't think that is taken.
Mutant Mudds Sold More On Wii U... Hold On...
http://www.gamespot.com/articles/2d-platformer-mutant-mudds-sold-more-on-wii-u-than-steam-ps3-ps-vita-combined/1100-6417790/
Something sold on the Wii U? It beat Steam, PS3 and Vita? Combined?
Wow. I don't... I don't even know what to say. This hasn't ever happened before.
Twitch Plays... Pokemon?
http://www.digitalspy.ca/gaming/news/a551502/pokemon-crowd-sourced-playthrough-being-played-live-on-twitch-watch.html
So, a crowd-sourced playthrough of Pokemon is happening. It's gotten popular this week, or at the very least is being reported on. It's going to run 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and it's strangely alluring. Depending on who you ask, it's either the coolest thing ever or the dumbest shit to ever hit the net. But it doesn't matter who you ask because I'm right and I say it's awesome.
So if you want to watch people bang into walls, make battles more difficult than they have to be, and generally just accomplish nothing for hours on end, go here to join in the madness:
http://www.twitch.tv/twitchplayspokemon
Final Fantasy 7 HD Remake... Still Not Coming
http://ca.ign.com/articles/2014/02/17/final-fantasy-7-hd-remake-discussed-by-director
Yoshinori Kitase admitted that he'd love to do the remake, but not really because he'd have to be extremely motivated to do it since it'd be huge. What this means is that the FF7 remake will never come.
To be honest I don't even care anymore. Unless they added a whole bunch of content to it it doesn't even matter because the classic, original version still exists and is extremely easy to get to. It'd be nice to see it all look pretty, but the block hands remain strong with this one.
However, we (I say this like there are lots of people writing for this blog) here at On The Gamely are expert detectives and I got to the bottom of this. I know the real reason why they won't remake Final Fantasy 7 -- while making sequels to Final Fantasy 13 -- and I know why they keep talking about it despite that fact. Square Enix is run by the tears of fans. If they satisfy the consumers than they will cease to exist. If you look at it that way it's understandable.
MGS5 To Run At 1080p On PS4 And 720p On Xbone
http://www.gamespot.com/articles/metal-gear-solid-5-ground-zeroes-is-1080p-on-ps4-guess-what-it-is-on-xbox-one/1100-6417797/
Poor Xbox One, can't buy a break. Listen while the PS4 fanboys scoff you.
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| Yes Nelson is a PS4 fan. |
Also In Metal Gear Solid News...
http://ca.ign.com/articles/2014/02/17/limited-edition-metal-gear-solid-5-ps4-console-teased
If you can't tell by now I'm a Metal Gear fanatic so any time there's anything ever about the game or Metal Gear in general (SNAKE TAKES A POO), then I put it in here... but this news has me a little scared.
It's not that having a Metal Gear Solid 5: Ground Zeroes bundle with the PS4 is bad news on the surface, but what if it's actually a Metal Gear posing as a PS4? You think that's weird but Metal Gear Solid.
TITANFALL Could Possibly Have 15 Maps
http://ca.ign.com/articles/2014/02/17/titanfall-maps-modes-more-revealed-in-data-dig
A hex editor was used and they dug up some data, like a possible 15 maps in the multiplayer only shooter TITANFALL (which will now only be written in the News Round-Up in all capital letters).
Mentioning TITANFALL to try to get more hits? Check.
I mean, I would never do that.
The plot twist is that I don't get more hits anyway.
Terraria Gives You More Reason To Wish That Your Life Was A Cute 2D Game
http://www.destructoid.com/well-that-s-a-crap-ton-of-stuff-added-to-terraria-270647.phtml
I was under the impression that Terraria support was dead, but then we got an update a while back that was huge. Now we got another big update.
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| That seems to happen a lot in Hard Mode. |
IT LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVES!
But yeah, click that link above to go to Destructoid and see all these new, fancy updates.
Playstation 4's Power Level Is Over 5 Million
http://www.gamespot.com/articles/playstation-4-breezes-past-5m-sales-milestone/1100-6417806/
People love PS4. So much so that 5.3 million people have forked out $400 dollars to invest in Sony's next-gen console.
Meanwhile the Wii U is heading towards 5 million sales and should be there in 3 more years.
Killer Is Dead Is About To Mack Girls On The PC
http://www.gamespot.com/articles/suda-51-s-barmy-action-title-killer-is-dead-coming-to-pc/1100-6417802/
The Suda51 jam, Killer is Dead, is an underrated game in my eyes, as are most of Suda's games. Yes, I'm an apologist for him and quite enjoyed Killer is Dead for the most part. Well, to anybody who wants to experience his brand of weird, confusing and kind-of fucked on the PC then you're in luck because it will be coming.
If A Game Sucks, Then Experiment With Competitive Pricing
http://www.gamespot.com/articles/microsoft-conducting-xbox-one-digital-pricing-experiment-with-ryse-sale/1100-6417801/
I feel bad (not really) that I always seem to pick on Microsoft or just ignore them but here I'm throwing them a bone. The digital version of Ryse is going to be 40 dollars, so if you haven't played it and enjoy boring yourself, then get this game.
In a serious note, it's nice that the price is reduced as it may help sell some copies.
Editor's Note: I haven't played the game. Plot twist!
Chroma Was Announced And MUSIC AS A WEAPON!
http://www.gamespot.com/videos/chroma-announcement-trailer/2300-6417285/
 | |
| Yes, I made a Chris Brown joke when talking about violence... and he also makes crappy music so it's a joke within a joke. Either I'm horrendously outdated or this was a.... JOKECEPTION! It's probably just the first thing. |
In the trailer above, Harmonix announced their free-to-play shooter Chroma. In my humble opinion it's actually a pretty solid looking game, but I can't shake the feeling due to the song choice in the trailer that they played with the dubstep gun in Saints Row and decided to make a full game of it.
Listen, I know that there will be other genres represented and I'm not hating because Saints Row is the bomb. I'm just giving my first impression of the trailer.
But you aren't paying attention anyway because I lost you at "free-to-play" so I can say just about anything I want here. I won't though because I have integrity. And pride. And I'm not clever enough to say something funny here.
Cliff B. Wanted Band of Brothers, Got Predator?
http://www.gamespot.com/articles/cliff-bleszinski-i-d-like-to-think-there-s-more-to-my-creativity-than-gears-of-war/1100-6417807/
Ol' Cliff Bleszinski is coming through the door blasting on various game related matters this week. He said that gamers don't need explanations like "press A to jump" and instead gamers will release videos and teach each other. He also said that he doesn't like disc-based games and won't make another.
But the most shocking? Okay, it isn't really shocking but I'm trying to get you excited. He had this to say about Gears of War:
"At the end of the day, [Gears of War is] known
for being a fun, fantastic franchise. But I'd like to think there's more
to my creativity than that. At the end of the day,
you're shooting fucking lizard-men in the fucking face with a fucking
chainsaw gun. It didn't wind up what I'd
hoped; I'd pitched it as 'Band of Brothers with monsters'--you know Band
of Brothers is well-done and emotional, telling the story of the
Greatest Generation and what they did in the war. Yet somehow we landed
on 'Predator'... the characters being all 'buff and manly', I'd never
planned on that."
Didn't plan on it, just made it. I believe you Cliff.
Don't Worry Persona Fans, Atlus Is Good
http://www.gamespot.com/articles/persona-developer-atlus-secured-in-sega-restructuring/1100-6417808/
It's cool, don't worry, Sega restructured but Atlas has a place. So you can still expect Persona 5. High school has never been more fun!
After The New Xbox One Update, Some Users Experience The Dark Abyss
http://www.gamespot.com/articles/xbox-one-black-screen-issue-pops-up-after-latest-update/1100-6417809/
 |
| No, not that Abyss. |
Some users are experiencing a black screen issue, but there's an easy fix for it. Just power cycle your Xbox One by holding down the power button for 10 seconds and ta-da, it's like Microsoft didn't even fuck up.
"This Chief" Is The Greatest Rust Player... Ever
http://www.destructoid.com/rust-needs-more-players-like-this-guy-270711.phtml
The Order: 1886 Gets A New Trailer
http://www.gamespot.com/videos/the-order-1886-new-era-trailer/2300-6417286/
Great movie, can't wait to watch. Hope it wins an Oscar. I wonder what it'll do at the box office. I hope my theatre gets it. I can keep going with these movie jokes... why they think releasing a cinematic trailer for games is a good idea opposed to actual gameplay is beyond me.
Killzone: Mercenary Gets NEW OLD MAPS
http://ca.ign.com/articles/2014/02/19/killzone-mercenary-receives-two-free-multiplayer-maps
Tharsis Depot and Blood Gracht, each from Killzone 2, are the free maps that are coming for people who own the Vita FPS. Lucky. Not like I ever owned Killzone 2 or anything. I don't care. It doesn't matter to me. It's old news.
...Okay so I'm just trying to come off like I don't care, but deep down I care more than you'll ever know. /emo
Square Interested In Bringing Final Fantasy to PC
http://ca.ign.com/articles/2014/02/19/future-final-fantasy-games-may-come-to-pc
It turns out that the FFXIII games were all working on PC, and Square is interested in bringing future Final Fantasy games to the PC. However, they stated that marketing and security issues made them decide against bringing FFXIII to the master race.
You know what this means? Final Fantasy didn't come to PC... PC gaming is dead.
 |
| R.I.P. PC Gaming |
Then I consider how few people pay attention to me and it's probably more along the lines of this:
Kevin Levine Is Shutting Irrational Games DOOOOOOWN...
http://www.gamespot.com/articles/bioshock-creator-irrational-games-is-shutting-down/1100-6417821/
...And taking 15 of the developers with him. The others will be looked after, if you are to believe this article. Levine wants to go on to make something that is unlike anything he's done before, and now Bioshock is owned by 2K. He states he hopes he can make something half as good as Bioshock.
I have no faith in him, he's only made System Shock 2, Thief and Bioshock. Noob.
Fallout 4 Shouldn't Be Expected Anytime Soon, People Are Killing Themselves As I Type This
http://www.gamespot.com/articles/fallout-4-don-t-expect-an-announcement-anytime-soon/1100-6417842/
Honestly I would make a joke here, but I feel bad for Fallout fans. They've been teased and teased and just when they think they're going to get to stick it in, or have something stuck in, it's ripped away from them.
I'm sorry.
(Haha, no new Fallout anytime soon)
Now Luigi Can Go Back To Being Ignored
http://www.gamespot.com/articles/miyamoto-puts-an-official-end-to-the-year-of-luigi/1100-6417820/
That's right. The year of Luigi is over on March 18. What comes next? Nobody knows. Knowing Nintendo right now, my guess is nothing.
NO, PC GAMING IS DEAD, I SAID IT ABOVE
http://www.destructoid.com/gdc-poll-devs-focused-on-pc-not-so-much-the-wii-u-270743.phtml
GDC surveyed developers and 20 percent of them intend on releasing their next game on the PS4. 17 percent are going the way of Xbox OneThree, while a whopping 4 percent are supporting the Wii U. The popularity seems to be on PC and mobile gaming, the latter being a disgrace. We got 53 percent for PC and 52 percent for mobile/tablets.
I can't wait to torture myself trying to handle bullshit touch screen controls.
Crysis Bundle Coming To Origin For $50*
http://www.gamespot.com/articles/all-three-crysis-games-available-for-50-on-origin/1100-6417858/
It's actually a pretty great deal if you haven't played the games. I haven't played the first one and had to do the console peasant thing and play 2 and 3 on Xbox, but if you're looking to catch up, then here you go.
*You only need to spend 80000 dollars to get a computer that can run the first one. Hell, my computer couldn't even turn on the third, I think it said something like, "Your computer sucks, destruction imminent" and then my computer combusted.
Microsoft Passed On Rime, Now Gets "Dem Feels" Over The Decision
http://ca.ign.com/articles/2014/02/20/microsoft-passed-on-ps4-exclusive-rime
Well, no shit Microsoft. You should have known that this is a game you should be getting. It looks beautiful, promises some fun gameplay elements and it has one of those trailers that make the internet lose their minds because it's so pretty and the song reaches into your cold dead heart and brings it back to life again (coincidentally bringing you back to life again and scaring the shit out of your family).
At least Phil Spencer admits it was a mistake. That's a plus. I should be hired for Microsoft because On The Gamely credentials obviously means I'd be a good fit.
So to those who are looking to frolic through the wilderness, you'll have to pick up a PS4.
Sacred 3 Coming This Year To PC, PS3 And 360
http://www.destructoid.com/sacred-3-is-coming-to-the-pc-ps3-and-xbox-360-this-year-270856.phtml
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| My brother and I once we found this out. |
Nemesis System Will Be Lesser On PS3 and 360
http://www.gamespot.com/articles/one-of-shadow-of-mordor-s-most-ambitious-features-scaled-back-for-xbox-360-ps3/1100-6417861/
It was announced this week that the nemesis system won't have as much depth if you're playing Shadow of Modor on the older systems.
Whaaaaaaat? A next-gen game not being as good on an old system? I won't stand for this!
 |
| Ahhhh, current and relevant references. |
Xbox One Media Remote Exists! Yes!
http://www.destructoid.com/the-xbox-one-media-remote-is-now-official-270874.phtml
So in March apparently you can buy this bad boy. Kinect will still be around to
PS4 Is Like "Where's Waldo?" Up In Dis Bitch
http://www.gamespot.com/articles/ps4-will-remain-hard-to-find-until-april-says-sony/1100-6417876/
 |
| You ever notice that I have this weird fascination with replacing the heads of things with consoles? |
Yes, another video game console shortage until Spring. It's not really news because it happens all the time unless... you're... WII U! But yeah, seriously, you'll just have to steal a PS4 from your friend until then.
Diddy Kong is Back For Blood In New Super Smash Bros
http://ca.ign.com/articles/2014/02/21/diddy-kong-joining-super-smash-bros-wii-u-3ds
That's right, Diddy Kong is returning to lay the smack down Rock style in the newest Super Smash Bros.
Almost Got Through The Week...
http://www.gamespot.com/articles/battlefield-4-pc-bug-causing-game-to-freeze-enter-sound-loop/1100-6417893/
...Without hearing about Battlefield 4 having issues. There's a bug that is causing the game to freeze. Hallelujah, the world is normal again.
Star Citizen Makes Dat Money
http://www.gamespot.com/articles/pc-space-sim-star-citizen-funding-reaches-an-astonishing-39-million/1100-6417890/
Star Citizen has made 40... oh who cares, let's talk Titanfall!
Just kidding. It's nice to see that Star Citizen funding has reached 40 million, which is just pocket change when you have a successful video game blog.
Why Is The Metal Gear Solid Story So Confusing Hideo?
http://www.gamespot.com/articles/kojima-explains-why-metal-gear-solid-story-is-so-complicated/1100-6417895/
Because nanomachines.
(It's because he didn't have the entire story fleshed out so there are going to be some inconsistencies.)
Good News, World of Warcraft Won't Be Pay-To-Win Because It Breaks the Players Trust And Blizzard Wouldn't Do That
http://www.gamespot.com/articles/blizzard-world-of-warcraft-is-not-going-to-become-pay-to-win/1100-6417898/
 |
| I'll just leave this here. Thanks to diablo3fever for not knowing I stole it. |
I hope you enjoyed this weeks installment of the News Round-Up. We had some good times, we had some bad, but they are all times we will be glad we had. Let me know what you think in the comments below (nobody ever really has) or on Twitter @ArtBathednCrime.
P.S. TITANFALL
Friday 21 February 2014
On The Podcast - Episod3: TITANFALL is EVERYWHERE... Just like Bill Nye
Oh yeah, it's time, it's time, it's Podcast time (time time time). We got Episode 3 up in here and it's better than the Star Wars one. We talk such issues as Titanfall, GTA 5, Bravely Default, Bill Nye blastin' on Climate Change... we talk the internet, a/s/l, other games, Guardians of the Galaxy... all kinds of stuff.
And we have multiple ways to listen to do all three! Or just one is fine.
Youtube: http://youtu.be/SwlR9CjhQ34
Mp3:
Download Mp3: https://archive.org/details/onthepodcastepisod3
And we have multiple ways to listen to do all three! Or just one is fine.
Youtube: http://youtu.be/SwlR9CjhQ34
Mp3:
Download Mp3: https://archive.org/details/onthepodcastepisod3
Tuesday 18 February 2014
It's A Novel Concept But The Number One Priority of Games Should Be "Being A Game"
Written By: Tyler
We live in an outstanding time, technologically speaking. If you go back 25 years ago when I started gaming as a wee little Tyler, it would be hard to imagine what is now possible. We had great games that still stand the test of time because of fantastic game design, but the industry has been revolutionized so many times that little me would probably have a heart attack had these ideas been presented to me at that point. The internet and online gaming changed everything, games like Minecraft have come along and added a whole new element to games that people are picking up on and expanding upon in games like Rust. Speaking of Rust, or DayZ, these are games that scream "next-gen" to me (yes I'm aware they're on PC and next-gen tends to be a console term) because of the PvP social/survival concepts presented in them. Game mechanics and genres have been created or made more complex, visuals have come a hell of a long way since the old days. Games like Grand Theft Auto 3 offered us the "sandbox" genre and a series like The Elder Scrolls took open-world to a whole new level and gave us games with hundreds upon hundreds of hours. We have real talent writing the stories for games, we have action set pieces that weren't possible back in the day. Though AI will always be one of the more difficult things to program believably, it has come a long way and we've progressed past difficulty in games meaning, more often than not, that the "computer is cheating." We've seen indie culture rise to the point it gets mainstream coverage. The industry has even gone through controversy after controversy over the years in its attempt to be seen as a legitimate form of entertainment and/or art.
A person could go and on about how kick-ass video games are, but you get the point. We've come a long way and we will go even further. But don't mistake my admiration for video games as a weakness... no, I'm a cranky old bastard too just like the rest of the internet. We have to rage, I have to rage, let us rage for just a couple more seconds. I want to rage about the state of video games, which is flabbergasting (possibly the first time I've used the word) when you consider that long-ass wall of text above.
Let's just throw it out there: video games, as entertainment or an art form -- whichever you want, baby -- should have the number one priority of being fun to play. This is a blanket statement, of course, because I'm not really trying to put video games in the corner, and there are games that are able to break that mold, but we'll get into that more in a bit.
Every art form is something at their core. In their most pure sense, movies are visuals and moving pictures, books are written word and story, music is audio and so on and so forth. Games are a melting pot of these -- visuals may not be as realistic as movies but there's a dependance on them, games are long enough to tell captivating stories, while music has always been good for the tone and atmosphere. They have the added luxury of being interactive as a core idea, not just as a novelty like Choose Your Own Adventure books (which are fun).
But I think we're getting too caught up in making our games more like movies. That's my point in a nutshell. I have to reiterate that I'm speaking in general terms. I'm examining the state of games in a broad sense, but I stand firmly behind it.
When I pick up a game, I want it to be fun. A game can have shitty graphics, serviceable music, but as long as its fun then that's great. Earth Defense Force is a perfect example of this. If you look at the graphics compared to other games today, they look like crap. Outside of the main menu music for Insect Armageddon, I've never been involved in the music. But damn that game is silly, simple and a hell of a lot of fun. I play the games for hours and hours, because the game was designed thrill you. It succeeds.
A game like Earth Defense Force -- or a series in that case -- doesn't get bogged down with meaningless, boring cutscenes. The fascination with cinematics in gaming blows my mind because we've gotten to the point where companies will release trailers that only show the cinematic aspects of the game. This is fine if it's a teaser trailer, but if someone waits months for more information and all you get is a trailer showcasing how much of a movie it is... that's not okay. That's not how it works. Wow me with your gameplay, make me want to pick up the controller, grab the mouse or play with my joystick.
I don't even need complex gameplay. I'm still okay with some games being button mashers. I love Suda51 games and they are known for being stylish yet not complicated in the least. I love when games go out of their way to offer new gameplay experiences, too. I just want to play.
There is where I backtrack a little bit and become more understanding, however. I'm not saying that games can't put love and care into the other elements of their games. You can impress me with your eye candy, whether it's brilliant visual design or high definition graphics. Let me see how beautiful you've made that grass I'm stepping on. Take me to other worlds with great artistic ideas.
Give me a soundtrack that I sit here and listen to when I'm doing other stuff, because I want that too. Believe me, I listen to a lot of video game OSTs.
But give me something I want to play.
A good cutscene can definitely add to the experience but I'm just going to throw it out there and say that a lot of games don't have interesting cutscenes. They're generic (but generic doesn't mean terrible), and the focus isn't on staging good shots because they're not movie directors. It's not their job. The Metal Gear series can get away with that these days because Kojima wishes he was a movie director and actually puts a lot of emphasis on making memorable cutscenes. If you have to watch a game, which you will in most games these days at some point, then give us something exciting. Don't give us what a game like Haze did with people standing in a helicopter talking over and over.
Still, there are so many games where I think, "It would be sweet if we could have played this instead of watch it." It's why games like Bayonetta should be more credit because while there are certainly cutscenes, it also allows you to play these excellent moments quite often. I'm harping on about Metal Gear so much because Metal Gear Solid 4 was especially contentious regarding how long the cutscenes are, but remember at the end (um, spoilers?) where you basically crawl through a furnace? Would that scene have been great had you just watched it? Yes, it was a big moment for Solid Snake and his heroism. Was it better because you were able to play it? Definitely, because even though it was only button mashing (to the point of pain I might add), it put you in the moment.
Journey was an artistic masterpiece on all fronts, but like Metal Gear, it never forgets that it's ultimately a game. It was a perfect example of how a game can get visuals and music right to the point that it actually compliments the gameplay. Ico and Shadow of the Colossus, two games that are widely considered "art," have compelling gameplay, even if Shadow of the Colossus does consist a lot of riding a horse through barren areas before you get to the epic boss battles.
Admittedly, indie games tend to be more guilty of this than big budget titles. I've played a ton of freeware games that have minimalist gameplay, to put it lightly. However, most of the time they get away with this because they are 5 minutes long and do other things right, so even if you just walk from left to right a little bit, it's fine. I'm not against expanding video games into new and interesting territories, but a lot of these games would overstay their welcome if they weren't so short (a good design choice to keep them short). There are exceptions, of course, with a game like To The Moon being emotional and memorable while being relatively light on "real" gameplay.
Some games and developers get away with this kind of thing because their talent in other areas is impressive. Jake King-Spooner, a guy I have mentioned numerous times on this blog, releases some games that you really only walk around... but he's so good at what he does that it's okay. However, you'll notice that I reviewed Sluggish Morss: Ad Infinitum and gushed about it, but still only gave it a 9.5 because I wish it had more gameplay.
I feel like I'm coming across as too close-minded in this matter and I think I may be forgetting points that I wanted to make (I'm old, forgive me), but I play a lot of games that go against my sentiment that I'm expressing in this post. In fact, I greatly enjoy a lot of them. If you asked me to prioritize what's important in video games, however, I'd have to pick gameplay first and foremost. Games can buck that trend, but in general, that's where I stand.
We live in an outstanding time, technologically speaking. If you go back 25 years ago when I started gaming as a wee little Tyler, it would be hard to imagine what is now possible. We had great games that still stand the test of time because of fantastic game design, but the industry has been revolutionized so many times that little me would probably have a heart attack had these ideas been presented to me at that point. The internet and online gaming changed everything, games like Minecraft have come along and added a whole new element to games that people are picking up on and expanding upon in games like Rust. Speaking of Rust, or DayZ, these are games that scream "next-gen" to me (yes I'm aware they're on PC and next-gen tends to be a console term) because of the PvP social/survival concepts presented in them. Game mechanics and genres have been created or made more complex, visuals have come a hell of a long way since the old days. Games like Grand Theft Auto 3 offered us the "sandbox" genre and a series like The Elder Scrolls took open-world to a whole new level and gave us games with hundreds upon hundreds of hours. We have real talent writing the stories for games, we have action set pieces that weren't possible back in the day. Though AI will always be one of the more difficult things to program believably, it has come a long way and we've progressed past difficulty in games meaning, more often than not, that the "computer is cheating." We've seen indie culture rise to the point it gets mainstream coverage. The industry has even gone through controversy after controversy over the years in its attempt to be seen as a legitimate form of entertainment and/or art.
A person could go and on about how kick-ass video games are, but you get the point. We've come a long way and we will go even further. But don't mistake my admiration for video games as a weakness... no, I'm a cranky old bastard too just like the rest of the internet. We have to rage, I have to rage, let us rage for just a couple more seconds. I want to rage about the state of video games, which is flabbergasting (possibly the first time I've used the word) when you consider that long-ass wall of text above.
Let's just throw it out there: video games, as entertainment or an art form -- whichever you want, baby -- should have the number one priority of being fun to play. This is a blanket statement, of course, because I'm not really trying to put video games in the corner, and there are games that are able to break that mold, but we'll get into that more in a bit.
Every art form is something at their core. In their most pure sense, movies are visuals and moving pictures, books are written word and story, music is audio and so on and so forth. Games are a melting pot of these -- visuals may not be as realistic as movies but there's a dependance on them, games are long enough to tell captivating stories, while music has always been good for the tone and atmosphere. They have the added luxury of being interactive as a core idea, not just as a novelty like Choose Your Own Adventure books (which are fun).
But I think we're getting too caught up in making our games more like movies. That's my point in a nutshell. I have to reiterate that I'm speaking in general terms. I'm examining the state of games in a broad sense, but I stand firmly behind it.
When I pick up a game, I want it to be fun. A game can have shitty graphics, serviceable music, but as long as its fun then that's great. Earth Defense Force is a perfect example of this. If you look at the graphics compared to other games today, they look like crap. Outside of the main menu music for Insect Armageddon, I've never been involved in the music. But damn that game is silly, simple and a hell of a lot of fun. I play the games for hours and hours, because the game was designed thrill you. It succeeds.
A game like Earth Defense Force -- or a series in that case -- doesn't get bogged down with meaningless, boring cutscenes. The fascination with cinematics in gaming blows my mind because we've gotten to the point where companies will release trailers that only show the cinematic aspects of the game. This is fine if it's a teaser trailer, but if someone waits months for more information and all you get is a trailer showcasing how much of a movie it is... that's not okay. That's not how it works. Wow me with your gameplay, make me want to pick up the controller, grab the mouse or play with my joystick.
I don't even need complex gameplay. I'm still okay with some games being button mashers. I love Suda51 games and they are known for being stylish yet not complicated in the least. I love when games go out of their way to offer new gameplay experiences, too. I just want to play.
There is where I backtrack a little bit and become more understanding, however. I'm not saying that games can't put love and care into the other elements of their games. You can impress me with your eye candy, whether it's brilliant visual design or high definition graphics. Let me see how beautiful you've made that grass I'm stepping on. Take me to other worlds with great artistic ideas.
Give me a soundtrack that I sit here and listen to when I'm doing other stuff, because I want that too. Believe me, I listen to a lot of video game OSTs.
But give me something I want to play.
A good cutscene can definitely add to the experience but I'm just going to throw it out there and say that a lot of games don't have interesting cutscenes. They're generic (but generic doesn't mean terrible), and the focus isn't on staging good shots because they're not movie directors. It's not their job. The Metal Gear series can get away with that these days because Kojima wishes he was a movie director and actually puts a lot of emphasis on making memorable cutscenes. If you have to watch a game, which you will in most games these days at some point, then give us something exciting. Don't give us what a game like Haze did with people standing in a helicopter talking over and over.
Still, there are so many games where I think, "It would be sweet if we could have played this instead of watch it." It's why games like Bayonetta should be more credit because while there are certainly cutscenes, it also allows you to play these excellent moments quite often. I'm harping on about Metal Gear so much because Metal Gear Solid 4 was especially contentious regarding how long the cutscenes are, but remember at the end (um, spoilers?) where you basically crawl through a furnace? Would that scene have been great had you just watched it? Yes, it was a big moment for Solid Snake and his heroism. Was it better because you were able to play it? Definitely, because even though it was only button mashing (to the point of pain I might add), it put you in the moment.
Journey was an artistic masterpiece on all fronts, but like Metal Gear, it never forgets that it's ultimately a game. It was a perfect example of how a game can get visuals and music right to the point that it actually compliments the gameplay. Ico and Shadow of the Colossus, two games that are widely considered "art," have compelling gameplay, even if Shadow of the Colossus does consist a lot of riding a horse through barren areas before you get to the epic boss battles.
Admittedly, indie games tend to be more guilty of this than big budget titles. I've played a ton of freeware games that have minimalist gameplay, to put it lightly. However, most of the time they get away with this because they are 5 minutes long and do other things right, so even if you just walk from left to right a little bit, it's fine. I'm not against expanding video games into new and interesting territories, but a lot of these games would overstay their welcome if they weren't so short (a good design choice to keep them short). There are exceptions, of course, with a game like To The Moon being emotional and memorable while being relatively light on "real" gameplay.
Some games and developers get away with this kind of thing because their talent in other areas is impressive. Jake King-Spooner, a guy I have mentioned numerous times on this blog, releases some games that you really only walk around... but he's so good at what he does that it's okay. However, you'll notice that I reviewed Sluggish Morss: Ad Infinitum and gushed about it, but still only gave it a 9.5 because I wish it had more gameplay.
I feel like I'm coming across as too close-minded in this matter and I think I may be forgetting points that I wanted to make (I'm old, forgive me), but I play a lot of games that go against my sentiment that I'm expressing in this post. In fact, I greatly enjoy a lot of them. If you asked me to prioritize what's important in video games, however, I'd have to pick gameplay first and foremost. Games can buck that trend, but in general, that's where I stand.
Saturday 15 February 2014
News Round-Up February 9 - 15: More News About Titanfall, Nintendo And GOAT SIMULATOR?
Written By: Tyler
Hey peeps, what's up? Hope your week is going okay, and now that it's Saturday you can read my long-ass News Round-Up... which is a weekly thing I do where I make fun of some of the more important news of the week. Read on.
Arkham Origins Is A Bug Collector
http://www.gamespot.com/articles/batman-arkham-origins-has-no-plans-to-fix-several-game-breaking-bugs/1100-6417619/
How do you piss off your fans? How do you piss off people that paid for your product? You do exactly what Warner Brothers Montreal did this week. You tell people that if you release a patch, you will address the progression glitches, but you will not fix the other bugs. Why not push DLC over a broken game? I mean, don't even promise people that you'll fix the major issues that literally corrupt save files. Great customer service.
Remember How The Creator Of Flappy Bird Took It Down?
Last week I reported (meaning I ripped the news off of other, more credible sites... and Twitter) that the creator of Flappy Bird issued a Refused style break-up message with Flappy Bird and took it down. Well don't worry, because there's more!
You can buy a phone with Flappy Bird on it if you don't already have it... for a tremendous amount of money. Or you could buy one of the many clones that have popped up.
No... this:
Oh, people.
Steam Update Rolls In, Shows New Updates
http://ca.ign.com/articles/2014/02/10/steam-store-adds-a-recently-updated-section
Valve updated Steam this week and the new update is an easy way to tell what games have recently been given updates. Of course this will be a good way to go back to old games. Great, just what I need, more reasons to play more games.
Minecraft-Inspired Movie SHUT DOWN
http://www.gamespot.com/articles/minecraft-inspired-movie-shut-down/1100-6417633/
The Minecraft movie that wasn't licensed by Notch that apparently didn't even have a deal in place was shut down. It's really not a surprise that Notch shut it down "Brendan Schaub vs Cyborg Abreu at Metamoris II" style considering the director of the movie doesn't own the IP.
Watch Dogs For The Wii U Delayed
http://ca.ign.com/articles/2014/02/10/watch-dogs-coming-to-wii-u-later-than-other-systems
Once upon a time there was this game called Watch Dogs that flew under the radar. When it came close to release date, it got delayed but very few people cared. Now it's scheduled for release in the Spring... except for Wii U. It's very rare that bad things happen to the Wii U so this isn't such a big deal.
...
World of Speed Is Coming And It's Going To Be Free
http://www.gamespot.com/articles/world-of-speed-a-racing-mmo-with-grand-ambitions/1100-6417561/
World of Speed is an ambitious free-to-play... oh wait, I have to listen to the internet grumble for a bit over "free-to-play."
Titanfall Will Not Allow You To Shoot Through Walls
http://www.gamespot.com/articles/titanfall-dev-explains-why-you-can-t-shoot-through-walls/1100-6417629/
In a decidedly non-Next-Gen move, Respawn announced that you can not shoot through walls in the much hyped Titanfall. So of course, in the comments section the internet erupted and argued about why this does or doesn't make sense. Screw you Titanfall! It doesn't make sense to have Titans destroying everything! This is going to be shit like CoD! Battlefield 4 rulez! DUDE TITANFALL ISN'T OUT YET! I PEED MY PANTS!
It was an internet war unlike any other, and many lives were lost. They will be missed.
New Call of Duty Will Prioritize Next-Gen Consoles and PC
http://www.destructoid.com/this-year-s-call-of-duty-to-prioritize-pc-ps4-xbox-one-270313.phtml
Speaking of next-gen, do I have some news for you.
Instead of making something for current gen (last gen? What IS IT NOW?), Sledgehammer is going to develop for the brand spankin' new consoles and PC and then port to the old systems from there. What this means is that in the new CoD we will have two dogs on screen at a time during campaign and we will also see real fish AI like Super Mario 64 since we'll be able to handle it now.
Supposedly Dark Souls 2 Is Rated T
http://www.destructoid.com/dark-souls-ii-earns-a-t-rating-from-the-esrb-270295.phtml
Unless T stands for TerriblyFrustrating, I don't see how this can be true. Due to the extremely dark and maddening aspects of the game, I would rate it CB for Chris Benoit... because it's so difficult you'll kill yourself and your family.
Remember That Flappy Bird Game I Talked About... Above?
http://ca.ign.com/articles/2014/02/11/flappy-bird-creator-explains-why-he-pulled-the-game
Basically, people are assholes and addicts and he didn't want to be a part. Well played dude, even if the game sucks.
Murasaki Baby -- The Trailer Is Weird, But... Strangely Alluring (Like Your Mom)
http://ca.ign.com/videos/2014/02/11/murasaki-baby-vitas-weirdest-game
If you'd ignore the fact that I made a "your mom" joke for a second and go to that link and watch the trailer for this new promising Vita game, you'll understand what I mean when I post this:
Goat Simulator
http://www.gamespot.com/articles/goat-simulator-is-a-real-game-that-s-really-happening/1100-6417672/
It's not very often that a random game shoots up my "Most Anticipated Games" list, but this one did. I'm not even joking. There is no joke here. I don't have to make one because the video will make you laugh.
Sons of Anarchy Game Is Still In Production
http://www.gamespot.com/articles/sons-of-anarchy-game-back-on-will-be-f-ing-awesome/1100-6417670/
Kurt Sutter, the creator of SoA, says that the game is in production and it's going to be "fucking awesome." Straight to the point, I like it.
In all seriousness I might play the game if Rockstar makes it -- even though the idea of an SoA game doesn't overly appeal to me (despite being a huge fan of the show) -- because they made The Warriors and that was fantastic. They also made uh, Grand Train Audio or whatever, so it might be okay.
PS4 100+ games
Microsoft 25 bucks for usage of head phones
But Enough About That Shit, Let's Hear What EA Has To Say
In the first ever EA Corner, we got the stuff that EA says, except for the things they say in private to their wives and husbands because that's probably creepy. Whenever EA says something I will be here to make the same jokes about it that I do every week. Without EA I wouldn't even have a weekly news round-up.
It's important to note that it's what EA says, not Respawn (hence Titanfall news being above). I don't want to confuse all three of my readers, you know. Let's get on it.
EA CFO (Certified Fork Operator) Blake Jorgensen stated that Titanfall is going to be a series that is around for a long, long time. Yeah, well at least a year because that's how long it's going to take to hammer out the bugs to make it work because you force it out early. Ba dum tsss.
EA CFO (Cranky Fish Omnipotent) Blake Jorgensen said that mobile games won't kill consoles. That's right, because EA will. Zing!
EA chief creative officer Rich Hilleman... wait where's Blake? Dammit, I had something going there. Anyway, Rich Hillerman went all Tower Defense and defended the crappy launch of Battlefield 4 basically stating that he won't accept that people think it's a bad product and doesn't think customers will say that anyway. He also said that they will learn from their past mistakes. Just like with Sim City. OH SNAP!
Well that concludes The EA Corner for now. Let's move onto other news.
Like The Nintendo Direct That Was Held This Week
Every Nintendo fan gets excited for Nintendo Direct. I'm no different. We shouldn't have gotten our hopes up too much because Nintendo said it was focused on games releasing this Spring (despite a couple games being shown that have later release dates).
But there's always that hope that BANG, NEW ZELDA! Or Metroid. Or Star Fox. Or Earthbound. Whatever. We didn't get it, spoiler tags.
We now know that Little Mac is in Smash Bros, which is awesome. We finally saw a little more of THE GREATEST RPG EVER -- X. We saw some more Bayonetta 2, Mario Kart, Donkey Kong, Yoshi's New Island, etc.
We saw some games that are coming for the eShop, and admittedly some of them look cool.
We saw the tears of all Nintendo fanboys.
We saw more about games we already know about. It was about par for the course with Nintendo Direct, and yet I keep getting hyped. I was going to make a hype train picture but it turns out there's already a bunch of them. Well played, Internet.
Steam Going To Have Tags
http://ca.ign.com/articles/2014/02/12/valve-introduces-user-generated-steam-tags
Now you can categorize stuff! Yay! FINALLY!
...
In all seriousness I like how the article makes sure to mention that swear words will be censored. Dang.
Farting Will Feel Authentic in the South Park RPG
http://www.gamespot.com/articles/south-park-rpg-will-make-farting-feel-authentic/1100-6417695/
In what is surely the most important news of the week, Trey Parker said that the farting will feel authentic, and I quote, "It was really important that you didn't just press a button to fart. You need to feel it go out of your asshole."
I agree! 100%. This is wonderful news, and it's nice that we're finally getting realism in our games. I think this game was meant for the Oculus Rift... if it was... on your... ass.
Square Enix Says FFXV Is Far Into Development
http://ca.ign.com/articles/2014/02/13/final-fantasy-15-quite-far-into-development
In some reassuring news, especially considering the news before that they weren't sure when the game would be released, Square Enix says that FFXV -- the latest entry in the most final series of all time -- is far into development.
I also learned that there are direct sequels coming. Do you remember the days when Final Fantasy games would just be standalones? Because Square doesn't.
Now, just get The World Ends With You 2 underway and we'll be good.
Hideo Kojima Loves the PS4 The Mostest Forever <3
http://ca.ign.com/articles/2014/02/13/hideo-kojima-praises-the-power-of-the-ps4
The article states, however, that the Xbone hasn't been released in Japan yet so Kojima may not have included it in his statement.
Xbox One Patch To Fix The Controller Input
http://ca.ign.com/articles/2014/02/13/xbox-one-patch-to-fix-controller-input-for-titanfall
Titanfall apparently runs roughshod over everything, but it's good because now the Xbox One update that is coming later this month will fix the controller input because now it's "overly twitchy."
CandySwipe Developer Published An Open Letter to King
http://ca.ign.com/articles/2014/02/12/candyswipe-dev-publishes-open-letter-to-candy-crush-publisher
As the title states, Albert Ransom -- who developed CandySwipe -- published an open letter on King.com which basically states that King are assholes and that they win, just in nicer terms.
If you aren't aware of King, they tried to mess things up for The Banner Saga too because Saga is in the title so they don't want the Viking epic to be confused with Candy Crush Saga.
Meanwhile, in a dark alley way, King are hanging out with EA. True story.
The Evil Within Gets A Release Date
http://ca.ign.com/articles/2014/02/14/the-evil-within-release-date-announced
The Evil Within, the documentary about this blog, gets a release date... and it's right now. Nah it's August 26. Prepare to piss yourself at the end of summer.
Xbox Live Gold Is Free Right Now
http://www.gamespot.com/articles/xbox-live-gold-free-for-all-this-weekend-on-xbox-360/1100-6417715/
If you're one of the few people who don't have Xbox Live Gold, then it's actually free this weekend. I don't have any jokes here, I've just realized that I don't often put positive Microsoft news. #microsoftsux
Bungie Reveals One Of The Mounts In Destiny
http://ca.ign.com/articles/2014/02/13/destiny-bungie-unveils-the-shrike-vehicle
The mount is called the Shrike.
Why Not Release a Hitman Game That Isn't Like Other Hitman Games?
http://www.gamespot.com/articles/hitman-getting-a-turn-based-strategy-game-for-real/1100-6417725/
Square Enix Montreal apparently agrees with that sentiment because they are developing a Hitman game for tablets and mobile that is a turn-based strategy game.
I'm just going to go ahead and ignore every Hitman game from now on until they literally come out and say, "Hey. We are done experimenting with a franchise that shouldn't be experimented with, we've decided Absolution pissed on everything and we're going back to what made the games so good from the beginning to Blood Money."
What is the over-under on that happening?
In Much Better News, The Arma 3 DLC Is Kind Of Like Dungeons and Dragons
http://www.destructoid.com/arma-3-s-zeus-dlc-introduces-a-new-role-game-master-270495.phtml
The Zeus Game Master DLC will allow players to basically be Dungeon Masters and control objectives, spawn units, etc. I don't know how this is going to work in a game like Arma, but that's a damn cool idea and Square Enix Montreal should listen to the developers of this.
Gearbox Not Working On Borderlands 3 Now, I Repeat, Gearbox NOT Working On Borderlands 3 Now
I don't even know what to do. I don't know where to go, who to talk to. I don't know who to blame. I am so lost.
Oh you bet your ass I can. And I do.
Halo 5 Coming To Xbox In 2015... Maybe?
http://www.gamespot.com/articles/halo-5-coming-to-xbox-in-2015-according-to-master-chief-voice-actor-update/1100-6417742/
Nobody really knows except for the developers. But we like to just latch onto stuff one individual says. That's what we do.
DayZ May Come To PS4 and Xbone
http://www.gamespot.com/articles/xbox-one-and-ps4-could-get-open-world-zombie-game-dayz/1100-6417765/
This is great news to anybody who doesn't have a PC that can run DayZ. Mind you, it'll probably be better on PC but it's nice when more people are able to get killed by other, better geared players and rage quit. Console gamers should be thankful for this potential awesomeness.
Video Games May Help With Dyslexia
http://www.gamespot.com/articles/video-games-are-good-for-you-may-help-manage-dyslexia/1100-6417764/
May also help you with boredom.
It's always nice when articles like this come out because there are always going to be critics of video games who still see them as useless and a waste of time. Now however, instead of just praising this discovery and using it to better our lives, we can slap it in the face of hatas.
And so there you have it -- some of the most important news of the week. Make sure to tune in next week when I make fun of more news and quietly lament Ellen Page being gay because now there's even less chance than there was before.
Hey peeps, what's up? Hope your week is going okay, and now that it's Saturday you can read my long-ass News Round-Up... which is a weekly thing I do where I make fun of some of the more important news of the week. Read on.
Arkham Origins Is A Bug Collector
http://www.gamespot.com/articles/batman-arkham-origins-has-no-plans-to-fix-several-game-breaking-bugs/1100-6417619/
How do you piss off your fans? How do you piss off people that paid for your product? You do exactly what Warner Brothers Montreal did this week. You tell people that if you release a patch, you will address the progression glitches, but you will not fix the other bugs. Why not push DLC over a broken game? I mean, don't even promise people that you'll fix the major issues that literally corrupt save files. Great customer service.
Remember How The Creator Of Flappy Bird Took It Down?
Last week I reported (meaning I ripped the news off of other, more credible sites... and Twitter) that the creator of Flappy Bird issued a Refused style break-up message with Flappy Bird and took it down. Well don't worry, because there's more!
You can buy a phone with Flappy Bird on it if you don't already have it... for a tremendous amount of money. Or you could buy one of the many clones that have popped up.
No... this:
 |
| Jonathan Blow would love this. |
Steam Update Rolls In, Shows New Updates
http://ca.ign.com/articles/2014/02/10/steam-store-adds-a-recently-updated-section
Valve updated Steam this week and the new update is an easy way to tell what games have recently been given updates. Of course this will be a good way to go back to old games. Great, just what I need, more reasons to play more games.
Minecraft-Inspired Movie SHUT DOWN
http://www.gamespot.com/articles/minecraft-inspired-movie-shut-down/1100-6417633/
The Minecraft movie that wasn't licensed by Notch that apparently didn't even have a deal in place was shut down. It's really not a surprise that Notch shut it down "Brendan Schaub vs Cyborg Abreu at Metamoris II" style considering the director of the movie doesn't own the IP.
Watch Dogs For The Wii U Delayed
http://ca.ign.com/articles/2014/02/10/watch-dogs-coming-to-wii-u-later-than-other-systems
Once upon a time there was this game called Watch Dogs that flew under the radar. When it came close to release date, it got delayed but very few people cared. Now it's scheduled for release in the Spring... except for Wii U. It's very rare that bad things happen to the Wii U so this isn't such a big deal.
...
World of Speed Is Coming And It's Going To Be Free
http://www.gamespot.com/articles/world-of-speed-a-racing-mmo-with-grand-ambitions/1100-6417561/
World of Speed is an ambitious free-to-play... oh wait, I have to listen to the internet grumble for a bit over "free-to-play."
Titanfall Will Not Allow You To Shoot Through Walls
http://www.gamespot.com/articles/titanfall-dev-explains-why-you-can-t-shoot-through-walls/1100-6417629/
In a decidedly non-Next-Gen move, Respawn announced that you can not shoot through walls in the much hyped Titanfall. So of course, in the comments section the internet erupted and argued about why this does or doesn't make sense. Screw you Titanfall! It doesn't make sense to have Titans destroying everything! This is going to be shit like CoD! Battlefield 4 rulez! DUDE TITANFALL ISN'T OUT YET! I PEED MY PANTS!
It was an internet war unlike any other, and many lives were lost. They will be missed.
New Call of Duty Will Prioritize Next-Gen Consoles and PC
http://www.destructoid.com/this-year-s-call-of-duty-to-prioritize-pc-ps4-xbox-one-270313.phtml
Speaking of next-gen, do I have some news for you.
Instead of making something for current gen (last gen? What IS IT NOW?), Sledgehammer is going to develop for the brand spankin' new consoles and PC and then port to the old systems from there. What this means is that in the new CoD we will have two dogs on screen at a time during campaign and we will also see real fish AI like Super Mario 64 since we'll be able to handle it now.
Supposedly Dark Souls 2 Is Rated T
http://www.destructoid.com/dark-souls-ii-earns-a-t-rating-from-the-esrb-270295.phtml
Unless T stands for TerriblyFrustrating, I don't see how this can be true. Due to the extremely dark and maddening aspects of the game, I would rate it CB for Chris Benoit... because it's so difficult you'll kill yourself and your family.
 |
| Too soon. |
Remember That Flappy Bird Game I Talked About... Above?
http://ca.ign.com/articles/2014/02/11/flappy-bird-creator-explains-why-he-pulled-the-game
Basically, people are assholes and addicts and he didn't want to be a part. Well played dude, even if the game sucks.
Murasaki Baby -- The Trailer Is Weird, But... Strangely Alluring (Like Your Mom)
http://ca.ign.com/videos/2014/02/11/murasaki-baby-vitas-weirdest-game
If you'd ignore the fact that I made a "your mom" joke for a second and go to that link and watch the trailer for this new promising Vita game, you'll understand what I mean when I post this:
Goat Simulator
http://www.gamespot.com/articles/goat-simulator-is-a-real-game-that-s-really-happening/1100-6417672/
It's not very often that a random game shoots up my "Most Anticipated Games" list, but this one did. I'm not even joking. There is no joke here. I don't have to make one because the video will make you laugh.
Sons of Anarchy Game Is Still In Production
http://www.gamespot.com/articles/sons-of-anarchy-game-back-on-will-be-f-ing-awesome/1100-6417670/
Kurt Sutter, the creator of SoA, says that the game is in production and it's going to be "fucking awesome." Straight to the point, I like it.
In all seriousness I might play the game if Rockstar makes it -- even though the idea of an SoA game doesn't overly appeal to me (despite being a huge fan of the show) -- because they made The Warriors and that was fantastic. They also made uh, Grand Train Audio or whatever, so it might be okay.
PS4 100+ games
Microsoft 25 bucks for usage of head phones
But Enough About That Shit, Let's Hear What EA Has To Say
It's important to note that it's what EA says, not Respawn (hence Titanfall news being above). I don't want to confuse all three of my readers, you know. Let's get on it.
EA CFO (Certified Fork Operator) Blake Jorgensen stated that Titanfall is going to be a series that is around for a long, long time. Yeah, well at least a year because that's how long it's going to take to hammer out the bugs to make it work because you force it out early. Ba dum tsss.
EA CFO (Cranky Fish Omnipotent) Blake Jorgensen said that mobile games won't kill consoles. That's right, because EA will. Zing!
EA chief creative officer Rich Hilleman... wait where's Blake? Dammit, I had something going there. Anyway, Rich Hillerman went all Tower Defense and defended the crappy launch of Battlefield 4 basically stating that he won't accept that people think it's a bad product and doesn't think customers will say that anyway. He also said that they will learn from their past mistakes. Just like with Sim City. OH SNAP!
Well that concludes The EA Corner for now. Let's move onto other news.
Like The Nintendo Direct That Was Held This Week
Every Nintendo fan gets excited for Nintendo Direct. I'm no different. We shouldn't have gotten our hopes up too much because Nintendo said it was focused on games releasing this Spring (despite a couple games being shown that have later release dates).
But there's always that hope that BANG, NEW ZELDA! Or Metroid. Or Star Fox. Or Earthbound. Whatever. We didn't get it, spoiler tags.
We now know that Little Mac is in Smash Bros, which is awesome. We finally saw a little more of THE GREATEST RPG EVER -- X. We saw some more Bayonetta 2, Mario Kart, Donkey Kong, Yoshi's New Island, etc.
We saw some games that are coming for the eShop, and admittedly some of them look cool.
We saw the tears of all Nintendo fanboys.
We saw more about games we already know about. It was about par for the course with Nintendo Direct, and yet I keep getting hyped. I was going to make a hype train picture but it turns out there's already a bunch of them. Well played, Internet.
Steam Going To Have Tags
http://ca.ign.com/articles/2014/02/12/valve-introduces-user-generated-steam-tags
Now you can categorize stuff! Yay! FINALLY!
...
In all seriousness I like how the article makes sure to mention that swear words will be censored. Dang.
Farting Will Feel Authentic in the South Park RPG
http://www.gamespot.com/articles/south-park-rpg-will-make-farting-feel-authentic/1100-6417695/
In what is surely the most important news of the week, Trey Parker said that the farting will feel authentic, and I quote, "It was really important that you didn't just press a button to fart. You need to feel it go out of your asshole."
I agree! 100%. This is wonderful news, and it's nice that we're finally getting realism in our games. I think this game was meant for the Oculus Rift... if it was... on your... ass.
Square Enix Says FFXV Is Far Into Development
http://ca.ign.com/articles/2014/02/13/final-fantasy-15-quite-far-into-development
In some reassuring news, especially considering the news before that they weren't sure when the game would be released, Square Enix says that FFXV -- the latest entry in the most final series of all time -- is far into development.
I also learned that there are direct sequels coming. Do you remember the days when Final Fantasy games would just be standalones? Because Square doesn't.
Now, just get The World Ends With You 2 underway and we'll be good.
Hideo Kojima Loves the PS4 The Mostest Forever <3
http://ca.ign.com/articles/2014/02/13/hideo-kojima-praises-the-power-of-the-ps4
The article states, however, that the Xbone hasn't been released in Japan yet so Kojima may not have included it in his statement.
Xbox One Patch To Fix The Controller Input
http://ca.ign.com/articles/2014/02/13/xbox-one-patch-to-fix-controller-input-for-titanfall
Titanfall apparently runs roughshod over everything, but it's good because now the Xbox One update that is coming later this month will fix the controller input because now it's "overly twitchy."
CandySwipe Developer Published An Open Letter to King
http://ca.ign.com/articles/2014/02/12/candyswipe-dev-publishes-open-letter-to-candy-crush-publisher
As the title states, Albert Ransom -- who developed CandySwipe -- published an open letter on King.com which basically states that King are assholes and that they win, just in nicer terms.
If you aren't aware of King, they tried to mess things up for The Banner Saga too because Saga is in the title so they don't want the Viking epic to be confused with Candy Crush Saga.
Meanwhile, in a dark alley way, King are hanging out with EA. True story.
The Evil Within Gets A Release Date
http://ca.ign.com/articles/2014/02/14/the-evil-within-release-date-announced
The Evil Within, the documentary about this blog, gets a release date... and it's right now. Nah it's August 26. Prepare to piss yourself at the end of summer.
Xbox Live Gold Is Free Right Now
http://www.gamespot.com/articles/xbox-live-gold-free-for-all-this-weekend-on-xbox-360/1100-6417715/
If you're one of the few people who don't have Xbox Live Gold, then it's actually free this weekend. I don't have any jokes here, I've just realized that I don't often put positive Microsoft news. #microsoftsux
Bungie Reveals One Of The Mounts In Destiny
http://ca.ign.com/articles/2014/02/13/destiny-bungie-unveils-the-shrike-vehicle
 | |||
| PETA be damned. |
Why Not Release a Hitman Game That Isn't Like Other Hitman Games?
http://www.gamespot.com/articles/hitman-getting-a-turn-based-strategy-game-for-real/1100-6417725/
Square Enix Montreal apparently agrees with that sentiment because they are developing a Hitman game for tablets and mobile that is a turn-based strategy game.
I'm just going to go ahead and ignore every Hitman game from now on until they literally come out and say, "Hey. We are done experimenting with a franchise that shouldn't be experimented with, we've decided Absolution pissed on everything and we're going back to what made the games so good from the beginning to Blood Money."
What is the over-under on that happening?
In Much Better News, The Arma 3 DLC Is Kind Of Like Dungeons and Dragons
http://www.destructoid.com/arma-3-s-zeus-dlc-introduces-a-new-role-game-master-270495.phtml
 |
| Oh shit. |
Gearbox Not Working On Borderlands 3 Now, I Repeat, Gearbox NOT Working On Borderlands 3 Now
I don't even know what to do. I don't know where to go, who to talk to. I don't know who to blame. I am so lost.
Oh you bet your ass I can. And I do.
Halo 5 Coming To Xbox In 2015... Maybe?
http://www.gamespot.com/articles/halo-5-coming-to-xbox-in-2015-according-to-master-chief-voice-actor-update/1100-6417742/
Nobody really knows except for the developers. But we like to just latch onto stuff one individual says. That's what we do.
DayZ May Come To PS4 and Xbone
http://www.gamespot.com/articles/xbox-one-and-ps4-could-get-open-world-zombie-game-dayz/1100-6417765/
This is great news to anybody who doesn't have a PC that can run DayZ. Mind you, it'll probably be better on PC but it's nice when more people are able to get killed by other, better geared players and rage quit. Console gamers should be thankful for this potential awesomeness.
Video Games May Help With Dyslexia
http://www.gamespot.com/articles/video-games-are-good-for-you-may-help-manage-dyslexia/1100-6417764/
May also help you with boredom.
It's always nice when articles like this come out because there are always going to be critics of video games who still see them as useless and a waste of time. Now however, instead of just praising this discovery and using it to better our lives, we can slap it in the face of hatas.
 |
| VIDEO GAMED. |
And so there you have it -- some of the most important news of the week. Make sure to tune in next week when I make fun of more news and quietly lament Ellen Page being gay because now there's even less chance than there was before.
Friday 14 February 2014
On The Podcast -- Episode 2: We Talk Things Like Fanfiction, WWE, Russians, Bravely Default, GTA 5 And More!
Hey everybody, welcome to the newest episode of On The Podcast -- the wildly successful podcast that features Jacob and Tyler... two celebrities you just haven't heard of yet. That's what they tell themselves. They talk about a lot of things, not just the stuff in the title, so check it out because maybe you'll even like it!
Listen On Youtube: Click Here
Listen Here:
Download The Mp3 Here: https://archive.org/details/onthepodcast2
Listen On Youtube: Click Here
Listen Here:
Download The Mp3 Here: https://archive.org/details/onthepodcast2
Got Someone Who Loves You? All Alone? No Matter... Here Are 14 Games (Well 15 Technically) To Play On Valentine's Day
Written By: Tyler
It's that time of the year... that time where people celebrate their relationships, loners feel even more alone and every website on the planet makes a Valentine's Day special. I am no different, so I've created a list of 14 games (though technically 15 but two are in the same series) that you should play on this precious corporate cash grab day. There are probably games more deserving but I threw this together pretty quickly and I feel it's a good start.
Er, I mean, you shouldn't be playing video games anyway... go take your girlfriend or boyfriend out and enjoy life.
Baby Maker Extreme 2
If you're a straight couple then this is how it's going to go. You are a man (look, just go with it ladies), and you are going to charm your woman. You will go out, get something to eat, maybe go dancing. Maybe you'll go have a picnic... I don't know, it's your Valentine's Day. Then you're going to have sex. It's a foregone conclusion so just roll with it. But the real problem comes afterwards -- the pregnancy. Oh no! We don't have money, we're in debt, we're thirteen, we don't know how to handle this situation.
Don't worry, because Baby Maker Extreme 2 has at least one of those problems under control. This game will teach you exactly how the birth is going to be, and it's insanely accurate. You're welcome lovers.
Super Mario Bros.
Let's be honest, the core Mario games work because the whole point was usually to save the princess. Isn't that true love? I think it has to be. Or it's just some weird roleplay that I don't want to think about. Gross, Mario.
Braid
Braid is a big indie game because it got really popular. That's fair because I think it deserves it. But that in itself doesn't make it a great game to play on Valentine's Day, so what does? The fact that throughout the whole thing are you trying to save a girl a la Mario. Or it's a metaphor for a bomb. Either way it's like a relationship and this puzzle-platformer should definitely be played on that day.
Catherine
The whole game is focused on relationships. I mean, it's not that romantic as it deals with cheating and whatnot, but it's still a clever, slightly weird game to play with your significant other... right?
Ico
What shows companionship more than holding a person's hand in order to guide them through the levels? If you're a male and you show your girl this, she could think you're such a sweetheart if you play it right. "No sweetie, I didn't have to hold this person's hand, I'm just really kind and sensitive." She doesn't have to know you can't progress unless you do. However, if she knows that you have to do that, then +1 to your relationship. You got yourself a keeper.
The Darkness 1 and 2
If you can get past the fact that these games are incredibly dark, you actually have one of the more heart-warming tales of love in gaming. This isn't even a joke. The Darkness 2 especially conveys how much the main character loves his girlfriend.
Mario Kart
Most of my picks have been single player, so I have to throw out this. Mario Kart is acceptable for any situation that you could possibly dream up, but especially Valentine's Day because it's simple to get into, has familiar characters and is just a lot of fun to play with someone.
I Wanna Be The Guy
Notorious for being incredibly um, challenging, I Wanna Be The Guy is a perfect opportunity to tell your significant other how good he/she/It has it. Think about it -- the game is so hard that after your lover has played the game you can look at him/her and say, "You may get pissed off at me for the stupid things that I do but you never get this pissed off." Plus, the title works if you're asking someone out. Nothing creepier or odder than asking someone out by simply saying "I wanna be the guy."
Ogre Battle: The March of the Black Queen
Do people fall in love in this game? It's been so long I can't really remember the story. It doesn't matter though, because I didn't pick this game because I thought that it was a fitting Valentine's Day game. I picked Ogre Battle because a) it's Ogre Battle and b) any day is a good day to play Ogre Battle. So there you have it.
Final Fantasy 7
Some call it the greatest RPG ever, some call it the most overrated RPG ever. Some just plain hate it. But it's hard to deny that it's a great game to play on Valentine's Day because there's a whole lot of love in it... and some of it may or may not involve a big black guy.
Cloud falls in love with Aeris. But depending on who you ask, Cloud loved Tifa all along. I don't know why we couldn't have just had all of them together. There is also that time where Cloud might have taken Barrett on a date in the Gold Saucer. I'm not judging... I'm just saying that it works on all levels.
Double Dragon
I'm a Double Dragon 2 guy, but what says love better than two brothers fighting for your affection? Yes, you fight your flesh and blood for a woman at the end of this. Beautiful, sweet love, tearing brothers apart.
Passage
I want to be serious for a second. This pixel romance is extremely touching and true to life. All you do is walk to the right for a few minutes but an entire life passes and it's incredibly effective. It shows true love without saying a word.
To The Moon
Just to say on the "serious side" for a little bit, To The Moon doesn't start as a love story. But as they dig into his memories you see that the focus is entirely on a relationship. So with that said, you don't have to go to the moon to find love, you can find it in To The Moon. Oh god that was cheesy.
Manhunt
What better way to celebrate Valentine's Day than by playing a game known for being disgusting and offensive? Ruthless violence -- sounds like my previous relationships. Manhunt has a certain gritty charm, and as bad as it may sound... killing someone by putting a bag over their head is insanely satisfying. Do you think I'm psycho yet?
It's that time of the year... that time where people celebrate their relationships, loners feel even more alone and every website on the planet makes a Valentine's Day special. I am no different, so I've created a list of 14 games (though technically 15 but two are in the same series) that you should play on this precious corporate cash grab day. There are probably games more deserving but I threw this together pretty quickly and I feel it's a good start.
Er, I mean, you shouldn't be playing video games anyway... go take your girlfriend or boyfriend out and enjoy life.
Baby Maker Extreme 2
If you're a straight couple then this is how it's going to go. You are a man (look, just go with it ladies), and you are going to charm your woman. You will go out, get something to eat, maybe go dancing. Maybe you'll go have a picnic... I don't know, it's your Valentine's Day. Then you're going to have sex. It's a foregone conclusion so just roll with it. But the real problem comes afterwards -- the pregnancy. Oh no! We don't have money, we're in debt, we're thirteen, we don't know how to handle this situation.
Don't worry, because Baby Maker Extreme 2 has at least one of those problems under control. This game will teach you exactly how the birth is going to be, and it's insanely accurate. You're welcome lovers.
Super Mario Bros.
Let's be honest, the core Mario games work because the whole point was usually to save the princess. Isn't that true love? I think it has to be. Or it's just some weird roleplay that I don't want to think about. Gross, Mario.
Braid
Braid is a big indie game because it got really popular. That's fair because I think it deserves it. But that in itself doesn't make it a great game to play on Valentine's Day, so what does? The fact that throughout the whole thing are you trying to save a girl a la Mario. Or it's a metaphor for a bomb. Either way it's like a relationship and this puzzle-platformer should definitely be played on that day.
Catherine
 |
| Just explain why you're playing a game with things like this. |
The whole game is focused on relationships. I mean, it's not that romantic as it deals with cheating and whatnot, but it's still a clever, slightly weird game to play with your significant other... right?
Ico
The Darkness 1 and 2
 |
| Ahhh, love. |
If you can get past the fact that these games are incredibly dark, you actually have one of the more heart-warming tales of love in gaming. This isn't even a joke. The Darkness 2 especially conveys how much the main character loves his girlfriend.
Mario Kart
Most of my picks have been single player, so I have to throw out this. Mario Kart is acceptable for any situation that you could possibly dream up, but especially Valentine's Day because it's simple to get into, has familiar characters and is just a lot of fun to play with someone.
I Wanna Be The Guy
 |
| Get used to seeing that. It's also a great reason to quit playing games and actually go out. |
Notorious for being incredibly um, challenging, I Wanna Be The Guy is a perfect opportunity to tell your significant other how good he/she/It has it. Think about it -- the game is so hard that after your lover has played the game you can look at him/her and say, "You may get pissed off at me for the stupid things that I do but you never get this pissed off." Plus, the title works if you're asking someone out. Nothing creepier or odder than asking someone out by simply saying "I wanna be the guy."
Ogre Battle: The March of the Black Queen
 |
| What you don't realize is that this is actually an orgy in the making. <3 Free love. |
Do people fall in love in this game? It's been so long I can't really remember the story. It doesn't matter though, because I didn't pick this game because I thought that it was a fitting Valentine's Day game. I picked Ogre Battle because a) it's Ogre Battle and b) any day is a good day to play Ogre Battle. So there you have it.
Final Fantasy 7
 |
| Don't mind me, I'm just about to drown Aeris. Love you girl. |
Some call it the greatest RPG ever, some call it the most overrated RPG ever. Some just plain hate it. But it's hard to deny that it's a great game to play on Valentine's Day because there's a whole lot of love in it... and some of it may or may not involve a big black guy.
Cloud falls in love with Aeris. But depending on who you ask, Cloud loved Tifa all along. I don't know why we couldn't have just had all of them together. There is also that time where Cloud might have taken Barrett on a date in the Gold Saucer. I'm not judging... I'm just saying that it works on all levels.
Double Dragon
 |
| Their brotherhood is unbreakable... |
I'm a Double Dragon 2 guy, but what says love better than two brothers fighting for your affection? Yes, you fight your flesh and blood for a woman at the end of this. Beautiful, sweet love, tearing brothers apart.
Passage
 |
| Love is a, er, um, hallway? |
I want to be serious for a second. This pixel romance is extremely touching and true to life. All you do is walk to the right for a few minutes but an entire life passes and it's incredibly effective. It shows true love without saying a word.
To The Moon
Just to say on the "serious side" for a little bit, To The Moon doesn't start as a love story. But as they dig into his memories you see that the focus is entirely on a relationship. So with that said, you don't have to go to the moon to find love, you can find it in To The Moon. Oh god that was cheesy.
Manhunt
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| From loving you. |
What better way to celebrate Valentine's Day than by playing a game known for being disgusting and offensive? Ruthless violence -- sounds like my previous relationships. Manhunt has a certain gritty charm, and as bad as it may sound... killing someone by putting a bag over their head is insanely satisfying. Do you think I'm psycho yet?
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