Five Drinking Games Not To Play On St. Paddy's Day

Written By: Tyler

Before I begin, I just want to say that people should drink responsibly. Drinking and driving is not okay, and if you think you are too drunk to drive, you are... so don't. Even if you've had a few and think you can drive... don't. I'm not a drinker myself, outside of some rare occasions, but this isn't a guilt trip. In fact, I'm making this article as a joke and it's not meant to make fun of or be insensitive towards people who have been affected by drinking in a negative way.

This isn't a serious article! So don't say, "well they don't actually do this that often in games," because it's a comedy post. And by all means, give me your own picks because I only chose five.

Though most people would have had their fun by the time they read this because St. Patrick's Day falls on a Monday and that gives people an entire weekend to forget, the actual day is today so that's why I'm posting this up.


 1: Don't take a drink every time you die in Flappy Bird. Flappy Bird is considered one of the hardest mobile games and for good reason -- because it's bullshit. The simple concept of flying a bird in between pipes by tapping the screen doesn't sound hard, but in practice it's extremely frustrating because the game doesn't want you to be happy. I don't urge people to take a drink every time they die if they want to live, which is an awkward sentence.

In fact, it was reported on Gamespot on March 5th that a Flappy Bird Clone is created every 24 minutes. If you take a drink every time a clone is created then that's a much safer environment for yourself and others.


2: Don't take a drink when you die in Dark Souls 2. In what can only be described as a surefire way to make your children parentless or your parents childless , don't take a drink when you die in Dark Souls 2 because that would mean you'd be taking a drink approximately every -2 seconds. That's right... the game is so hard it kills you before you even start playing. Just don't do this kids.


3: Don't take a drink every time that Solid Snake doesn't have a sweet clue what's going on. I'm a Metal Gear fanatic -- as you're going to see over the next couple days -- but Solid Snake is notorious for not having any idea what's going on. This is a guy who is basically an ultimate soldier yet somehow he's always in the dark about what's going on.

Mind you, this is safer than 1 and 2 by a long shot, but I still wouldn't recommend it to anybody.
Every Time


4: Don't take a drink every time I die in an online first-person shooter. Unless it's Killzone -- the only FPS where I feel like I'm at least decent -- then I don't stand a chance. For your own sobriety and health, avoid taking a drink ever time I die in an online shooter.


5: Don't take a drink every time that you get called a "meat puppet" or some variation of meat in Borderlands 1 and 2. The psychos and just the general banter from enemies and NPCs is always entertaining in the Borderlands series, but you'll get called a meat puppet or a meat bicycle (or something meat related) so often that if it were a drinking game the entire room would be passed out within an hour.

On The Podcast Episode 5 - Vladimir Putin Is Pac-Man

 
It's Friday so that means a lot of people with decent jobs are in their last work day of the week. Why not celebrate that fact by listening to a podcast starring your favourite Jacob and Tyler?

We talk Vladimir Putin, games, more games, video game music, and we even tell some stories about our lives. Don't miss this um, action-packed extravaganza.


Youtube: http://youtu.be/XYuvp6MKjCY

Listen Here:
Download MP3: https://archive.org/details/onthepodcast5

Top Ten Tuesday -- Top 10 Catchphrases In Video Games

Written By: Tyler

I like lists. In fact, I like lists a lot. If I had my way I'd probably sit around and make lists that nobody else cares about all day. But alas, people tell me that I have to go have a life or go to work. I was on The Broke and The Bookish where they do/did Top Ten Tuesdays and I really like the idea of doing that weekly... however I probably won't be able to commit to it every week because I'm not that creative and this blog is free (I know, mind blown) and I have to put priority on other matters like paying those little gimmicks called bills -- to quote Stone Cold Steve Austin. Oh well, I will from this point on try to do a Top Ten Tuesday as often as possible even if it's only once a month.

Since Bravely Default is so long and is taking up so much time I haven't written a review in a while and coincidentally I've had less content on here lately because of it. Fear not, a review for Bravely Default is coming, along with Thief and Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze, among whatever indie games happen to fall into my lap.

One thing I feel the need to mention, and will probably mention each time I make a list, is that this is my list. I'm not sitting here trying to be "objective." I'm not sitting here debating to myself what the most important catch phrase is. I keep it simple stupid because my mind can't handle much else -- I include the catch phrases that I like.


Here are the Top 10 Catchphrases In Video Games

It's important to note there is a difference between catch phrases and quotes. There are some badass quotes in games but if they've only said it once then it doesn't qualify. I don't like to flood my list with the same games so if there are numerous catchphrases in one game the entire game will be represented by my absolute favourite.


10: Scorpion from Mortal Kombat - "Get Over Here!"

When you hear Scorpion yell this at you, it's too late, you've already been hit (damn!). If you didn't catch that Limp Bizkit reference than shame on you.

Scorpion is a badass and he throws his spear at you. When it hits you, he yells this at you and even though you really don't wanna go over there, you have no choice because the spear is in your neck or chest. After that point there's probably an uppercut coming.


9: Random Voice in Ogre Battle - "Fight It Out"

This probably isn't a popular pick but I try to throw Ogre Battle: March of the Black Queen into everything I do. At work, at home, at fancy dinners, whatever, I talk about Ogre Battle.

Right before you're about to get in a fight, you hear a voice say "Fight it out." And then this song hits:
Then you know shit got real


8: Moogles in Final Fantasy - Kupo!

I love Moogles. Fans of Final Fantasy love Moogles. I feel like they are a good representation of Final Fantasy. Admittedly, while characters have said a lot of great lines in the series, there aren't that many great catchphrases, so leave it to the cute little white things to save the day.


7: Random Enemies from River City Ransom - Barf!

A great supporting role in a movie compliments the lead and makes the experience better. The enemies in River City Ransom compliment you because when you are done kicking the shit out of them, they die... but first they barf. It's extremely satisfying.



6: Your Wife From Genghis Khan 2 - "...Is that lipstick on your collar?"

You can choose to spend time with your family in order to create children to lead your army after you pass. I think Genghis Khan 2 is an overlooked or at least under appreciated Strategy game from a company that was firing on all cylinders at the time, and despite it being memorable for all kinds of reasons, it's this quote that sticks out to me.

Why? Because the game forces you to cheat! I've entered marital problems that I didn't even know existed! I was off trying to build an empire but apparently I was getting down a lot with random girls (or guys?), and my wife knows it. She's a clever little thing, but she still sleeps with me so in my book that's a win-win for men all around the world.


5: Toad from Super Mario Bros. - "Thank you Mario! But our Princess is in another castle!"

It's such an overdone choice but there's a reason for that. For years, children all over would play Mario and we'd be bashed over the head with disappointment after disappointment when we were told this. The thing that really pisses me off is that he seems so joyful about it... I mean as much as an 8-bit character can be. Look at those exclamation marks.


4: Ryu and Ken from Street Fighter - "Shoryuken!"

This beats "Hadouken!" for me just because of the amount of passion that Ryu and Ken put into it. I feel like that has to count for something, so even though I like using the Hadouken more, Ryu and Ken deserve more praise for their enunciation of Shoryuken.


3: Sergeant Cortez from Timesplitters - "It's time to split."

This is one of the most self-aware, cheesiest lines in all of gaming, and I love Cortez for it. It gets to the point that he has used it so much that he ends up getting cut-off because people are just tired of him. That's the mark of a classic catchphrase, and I can only hope I can get to that point in my life.


2: The Game Over Screen in the Metal Gear Solid Series - "Snake? Snake? SNAAAAAAAKE!"

This beat out Solid Snake going "Damn!" and "Metal Geeeeear?" but it was a hard choice. This is more memorable because whenever you die people get upset. That's an alien feeling to me in real life (because I die all the time and nobody cares), so when you hear people like Otacon yell your name... it makes you feel good.


1: Atlas/Fontaine in Bioshock - "Would you kindly?"

I had to put this number one because it's a legit awesome line. Some of these choices are just because I spent years having them drilled into my head. This is actually clever writing. What I love about Bioshock is that it's very post-modern. It dissects video games.

It does this by taking something that gamers never think about and putting a new spin on it. As gamers we just do what we're told. We progress when we can. In Bioshock you progress because you're hypnotized. All of a sudden, it all makes sense... he wasn't just being nice to you, he was bossing you around! It's genius and it's my favourite catchphrase.



If you have an idea of a list that you'd like to see me do, regardless of how silly it could be, let me know in the comments below or on Twitter @ArtBathednCrime. I will try my best to eventually do it as long as it's possible and entertaining.

Black History Month (USA) -- Favourite Black Video Game Characters As Told By A White Boy

Written By: Tyler 

It’s a new month, and February is Black History Month in the USA and in order to celebrate, I am counting down some of my favourite black video game characters. They have to originate in video games, not just be a real-life figure or a character from a different medium put into games, such as Mike Tyson or Black Panther.

                In doing these lists I wanted to find something less common, because with a thing like Black History Month, there are a lot of sites doing this. Alas, I couldn’t find anything that interesting so I have to be like other sites. I'm also not trying to make political statements here, so this is just to appreciate "cool" characters in video games, not piss everyone off.

Barrett Wallace From Final Fantasy 7

There are a lot of people who may not enjoy Barrett because while he’s really badass, I’ll admit that he seemingly doesn’t exactly buck the black person stereotype. I can understand that argument, but I think he goes deeper than that. Sure he’s hot headed, talks like he’s in a rap video and has a gun on his hand, but if you look past the stereotypes, he’s a loving father, a courageous and caring man who also happens to be an Eco-Terrorist. I mean, a freedom fighter. I mean, look he hates reactors and pollution and shit.

Drebin 893 from Metal Gear Solid 4

            He’s a weapon’s dealer, but he goes beyond that and ends up being a memorable character because he’s more important to the plot than one might think at first glance. Again, OH LOOK A BLACK PERSON WHO DEALS WITH GUNS, but no, he's an intelligent and influential figure.

Augustus "Cole Train" Cole from Gears of War

               I’m not even really a Gears fan anymore but I have to show love for Cole because his craziness is infectious. COLE TRAIN BABY! I’m sure fans of the series would go into bigger and better detail but I just enjoy him for what he is.

Fortune from Metal Gear Solid 2

                With this one I knock off having a woman AND a cool black character, so look at me go. Fortune is one of the more depressing and tragic characters in Metal Gear Solid 2. She’s not an easy one to take out because she has unbelievable “luck,” but she’s got a great character arc and she’s a villain you can almost cheer for.

Nilin from Remember Me

                Nilin may not be as memorable as some of these people, and she’s on this list because she’s one of the few characters that isn’t really treated as black. Or white. Or anything. She’s just a normal person, and though maybe her character doesn’t have as much depth as some, it’s the fact that she has bucked all trends and is just a human that makes her good enough to put on this list.

            While doing this list I realized that there aren’t a lot of truly great black video game characters, at least in games I've played. I don't consider someone like CJ a great character, for example. I don’t say this in a racist way, and I’m not pulling the racism card and saying that the video game industry is racist… but they sure don’t put a lot of effort into making great black characters. There were some others, of course, but I thought this would be a good place to stop.

                So who are your favourite black characters? Let me know in the comments below or tweet me @ArtBathednCrime.

Merry Christmas From Mitochondria Eve!

Written By: Tyler Selig

                

                Christmas is a time for family, sharing, laughing, smiling, eating, being festive and mitochondria going wild. Wait, what was that last thing? Oh, that’s right, since it’s Christmas Day, what’s better than celebrating by discussing Parasite Eve – a game that takes over the Christmas holidays, and a game that just so happens to be my favourite Roleplaying Game of all time.

                Parasite Eve came out in 1998, and it was the first Playstation 1 game that I ever rented. It is also the second best Playstation 1 game I’ve ever played (Metal Gear Solid being the first). I have seen beaten it multiple times, and every once in a while I’ll break it out and play it again. It takes a lot from the book by Hideaki Sena, which is one of my favourite novels (admittedly I came to the book after playing the game so the bias was already set in stone).

                So what makes Parasite Eve so special to me? Let’s count the ways in a neat little number format, shall we?

1.       The story: To this day it’s one of my all-time favourite video game stories. Sure, it follows the same idea that a lot of games follow – a bad guy/girl wants to destroy the world/take it over/generally just make a mess of things – but it’s more science based. I’m no scientist, and I’ve seen people say that it’s pseudo-science, but that’s not the point. The point is, it’s got a basis in science and does interesting things with it. Mitochondria acting up and trying to create the ultimate being is a fascinating concept and goes beyond the norm for the genre. I’m all for all the other plots we get in RPGs, with wizards, demons, crazy people… but it’s nice every once in a while to get a different kind of villain. And this particular villain is an important aspect of our makeup that has gone haywire.

2.       The music: Though some of the opera singing is a little dated due to technological advancements, the music as a whole stands strong as a creepy, emotional masterpiece. Listen to a song like Missing Perspective as you’re running around, or the Main Theme if you want an eerie, yet beautiful song. There are so many tracks here that stick out, and I give major props to the soundtrack.

3.       Memorable scenes: There are few games that have as many memorable scenes as Parasite Eve. I was quite a bit younger when I played it, and I’m not ashamed to admit that it may have scared the ever-living shit out of me. Within the first twenty minutes, you’ve already watched an entire building catch on fire (which was a wonderful image of Mitochondria Eve standing on stage as it burns all around her), and Aya has said that her body feels hot (oh buddy). You’ve also seen a rat turn inside out, and people spontaneously combust. I’m still within the first half hour here. It doesn’t really slow down as the game goes on, though the beginning will always be the part that has dug itself into my brain the most.

4.       It’s scary: It goes along with my memorable scenes, but the game was a little hard to play at times. Whether it’s the music, the visuals on screen, the monsters, the fact that you are almost entirely alone in this story, or maybe the Ultimate Being chasing you at the end while crushing music blares at you… the game is set up to be a true horror experience.

5.       The combat system: It has one of my all-time favourite combat systems. Even though you don’t see the enemies, it doesn’t go to a different screen -- an idea that was used perfectly in Chrono Trigger but rarely embraced after it – when you hit a hotspot where enemies are. When you’re in battle, the game is still ultimately turn-based (which I miss because so many RPGs are away from that now), but you are able to run freely within the designated zone when you aren’t attacking. This gives you something to do besides wait and it can mean a lot in the heat of battle.

6.       Levelling up: I’m not going to say that it’s the most in-depth levelling system in the world, especially today. You have to understand that back in the day, levelling up your character wasn’t as detailed as it often is now. However, Parasite Eve does give you bonus points to put into various attributes, and you are able to modify your weapons. These things give you something to think about and a reason to want to level up or use tools, outside of the fact that levelling up does the obvious things like give you more HP or new abilities.

7.       Aya: God damn did you see her in that shower scene in the second one? I know that has nothing to do with the first game, but fuck you, it’s my list and my blog.

8.       The visuals: Yes, I know that nowadays, they’re outdated and people run in place when they turn, but that’s not what I’m talking about. The cutscenes are still glorious to watch, but most of all, they concentrated on making memorable images, and used the Playstation 1’s limits effectively.

So there you have it, 8 reasons why I think Parasite Eve is the best RPG ever and also one of my favourite games ever as well. Seeing as how it pushes such a big Christmas agenda, it is the perfect game to play today when you and your family are done eating your Christmas dinner and opening those gifts that you’re disappointed in.

Merry Christmas everybody!